7 nov 09

yawn...
Man, im tired...
ever since i went to school on thursday, i felt like a huge weight have been lifted form my shoulders...
So here's the truth, i have been running away from PW xD
hmm, looking back at it, i have no idea why i running away from it ._.
maybe i was afriad of commiting mistakes.
but the purpose of going to school is to correct them.
so if i dont have any, then its really stupid.
so its expected to have mistakes.
yea..
so i finally went..
turn out okay,
pleasant day and all, even though there was a few last minute probs with my script, but my group mates helped me through it (: (thank you <33)
after that, i got home and felt really tired....
and finally sleep well (:

before that, i have been staying awake all night, afraid of going to pw...
again, i choose something to run away from,
i played psp, i read stories, etc etc.
basically, i got "addicted" to them, because it makes me feel better.
but i was lacking sleep and all...
basically... depress ._.
as much as i hate to admit it, yes, i was in depression again...
choosing to end my life so that i wont have all the problems..
anyway, now that its lifted,
i have been feeling tired at the right time to sleep (:
and these few days i have been having pleasant dreams xD
except for the one in which i dreamt i got slash in the stomach because my shirt was too short in real life.

haha...
anyway, the purpose of this post is once again, to make my holiday plans known.
though till now, none of them have succeeded...
but i thought i start early XD

For this holiday, i wan to achieve the following :
1) get back my physical
basically, i wan to be able to do a ce kong fan by end of this year.
oh yea, im also back into break dancing...
and this time, im gonna watch my joints xD and prepare adequately

2) Healthy diet
YES, im determined to set things right, so im gonna limit my intake of soft drinks and fast food, as well as sleep.

3) akido
i really wan to learn akido again...
but i still can't find my old coach...

4) learn electric guitar
hmm, wont be happening soon i guess, since i dont have the money to get a guitar...
however, my sister wants a guitar too, so maybe i can "kop" hers :D
anyway, im gonna have to learn how to read scores and stuff by end of this year, starting with some simple music theory book xD

5) drawing
haha... hmmm....
i have roughly got back my standard, but its only for the head.
i still need to get back the artist sight...
as well as correct posture for drawing ._.

6) tidy my room
i have to do this no matter what ._.
but the wires is a huge mess... and i donno how to deal with them...

haha, i guess thats all, basically i will be focusing more on my physical than anything for this holiday...
oh, and i really need some money ._.
need to buy proper knee guards and ankle supports...
since im already injured, i best be safe than sorry...
so hopefully i can land the job i went for today >_<
pls pls pls pls, give me the job >_<
hmm, hopefully through this time's job, i can also learn to conquer my fear of kids ._.
i love kids, but sometimes, a few of them are qutie bitchy or easily scared...

i mean, if they are bitchy, i feel like sending a punch into their face, but that will seriously hurt them...
those that are easily scared... well, lets just say that im not good with crying kids... or crying ppl ._.
actually, i cant deal with ppl crying...
i donno what to do...
for me, the best thing is to first hug that person and tell them its okay, but now its stranger's kids, so how?
later their parents so sensitive, think i molesting their children =.=

anyway, im reaching 18 soon...
the first life obstacle will arrive soon...
i have to constantly remind myself of it...

every person is said to have three major life choices in their life...
the successful ppl all have theirs early...
of course it still depends on whether u went the right path.

anyway, i know im destined for great fortunes and success, but can i really pass the first choice correctly?

haha, guess the answer have to be a yes...
but im still scared...
im destined, so im presented with the choices and obstacles, but can i choose the right path and stand up fast enough??

1nov

so...
._.
boy, do i feel down...

lol, it seems like im getting no where...
perhaps im even moving back...

few days ago, wanted to dota with calvin...
but due to my incredible lousy operating system (vista)
i had to keep restarting my computer, wait for the lag to end and then try and play dota...
if it hangs, redo..
so from 6pm to 8pm...
thats what i was doing, restart, wait, try, restart, wait, try...
well, in the end we didnt get to play ._.
but on a good note, i got back my drawing standards while waiting for my com to restart,
its like 2 hours worth of intense drawing practice..
okay not really intense..
but i saw my drawings improving back to my old standards (:

would have posted a few here, but err.. my camera abit problem right now ._.

26 oct 09

haha, felt like blogging everytime i feeling down...
not really down actually, just feel abit dead ._.

hmm but actually im really dead, since i havent do alot of stuff i am SUPPOSED to do ):

i feel so guilty, and the more guilty i am the more i run from it T_T

haih, i should really stop that...

sorry my group mates, i continuously disappoint u guys T_T

though this time its only me thats in trouble..

but i bet it feels so shameful to have me in your group T_T

anyway anyway...

i suddenly feel like my whole life is abig lie to myself ._.

not really the real me...

As some of u may know (or read my long ago posts)

i have what people call a Ditto personality.

that is to say i copy small actions and styles from people around me without wanting to :X

i thought i graduated from that personality this year, having found the real me.

but im starting to think not...

everytime i review something i like, i will get a strong urge to do it too..
example dancing...

i knew quite a few dance for a few songs, but all of them were incomplete...

its just a sudden wanting to learn, and it never last...

and then i realize my writing style gets affected whenever i read a book, i will somehow imitate the writer's style...

haha, why did i mention about the writing now?

well its because i've been addicted to reading recently, and it has been a LONG time since i started reading stories, which is why i only realize i STILL gets affected by reading ._.

i thought i graduated from that...

maybe that is the reason why i chose to be a manga artist, so that i can fulfill my sudden urges of something...

for e.g. i suddenly want to be a good swimmer??

then i can just draw out.

Maybe some of you already know this,

but the main reason i wanted to become a manga artist is so that i can bring fantasy into reality...

anyway... i have NOT been drawing recently..

and there has been a significant decrease in my skills...

and everytime i drew something,

i never finish them,

why?

because i tore up the paper before i finish because i was disappointed at how sucky i am...

This habit has to stop..

Hero to Zero,

and not trying to climb back to a hero, because of the absence of glory.

It took me 4 MONTHS to train up the artist view,

seeing things not as shapes, but as objects...

and its all wasted...

Im sure most of you know that i was not born an artist,

i was born with a more mathematical mind...

and having to change that is like...

err..

very hard. I cant find a metaphor ):

haih anyway, here is a pic of my latest random sketch during some boring lessons

err...

i smudged one of the eyes with my wet finger ):

was drinking ice soda...

as u can all see, lousy drawing..

wrong porpotions..

wrong alignment...

I even tried the old type of uniform i usually draw, and it still gives disastrous results...

now, lets compare to the old ones...

haha, this was my favourite,

one of my best sketches, but it was before i like to fill in the eyes...

haha,

and its a wizard ^^

still got lots more to compare...

but apparantly blogspot is giving my trouble again ._.

13oct09

zzz, life is going down again, and i find myself constantly running away...
numbing myself with games and stuff...

Yea, i'll admit PW is making me feel like not going to school, but i'll still go anyway, lest someone complains about me again...

but what haunts me most recently, is the fact that im left hanging on a rope...
Lots of things i shouldnt say, but really wish i can...
Just when i finally decided to let go of something, that thing bites me back...
and when i tried to shrug it off, i don't know if i really did...

anyway, another thing i should say to a friend...
not really say, but its a repeat...
Anger gets you nowhere...
Many a times i let my anger get the best of me, and all the results were disastrous...
i know its easier said than done, because even i can't really do it,
but acceptance is often way better than fighting...
instead of giving yourself reasons to be angry, learn to accept the fact that its over..
i believe in that, thats why i never ever said stuff like, "im gonna earn billions to show you that im more capable and then im gonna laugh at u"
these stuff never works...
anger will consume a person.
If i go by anger to earn money, my money will be spent to vent my anger, so it will never work.
same thing, if u say u going to have a better life than that person, your better life still revolve around that person...
u wont truly be happy.

haih..
here is another dilema im facing,
often a time i find myself tryng to "help" somebody,
doesnt matter if i did help that person successfully,
the thing is, im slowly getting tired of helping ppl,
other ppl's problem doesnt concern me...
but maybe its because of the satisfaction i get when i help people that keeps me doing so.
but thats selfish...

haih... im tired... when will somebody help me?

10 oct 09

i have loads to speak about my day today, but i cant, coz that will reveal too much, maybe to a few special friends.

but here is what i have to say,
i have been thoughtful to others, and it has caused my harm.
i have been thoughtless to others, and i have hurt others.
so whats the best way out of this?

i wanted to suggest that i shud live for myself alone.
im destined for riches in the future,
i cant always be drag down by other ppl's feelings.
but if i become thoughtless to others,
who will then be beside me when i achieved what i set out for?
who's happiness will i be striving for?

then again, my thoughts on all this were completely selfish.
its not whether ppl are hurt or not,
i think its because im afraid of ppl not caring about me that i care about others.
thats selfish.

i don't know what to do except to live in isolation for awhile.

relationships, go to hell.

update!!

haha, ive been wanting to update my blog since i started cleaning my room.
but i never finished cleaning and i never got around updating.
LOL, anyway, when i was clearing my room out, i found quite a few cool stuff :D
and blogger is still screwy for me xD so i cant post some pics of the stuff i found.

nvm then, i shall update about my current life.
hmm, yea, as previously stated, my school life was fun ever since i cracked up due to my father.
But thers still a few problems i faced...

anyway, i have this two friend where one doesnt really fancy the other.
when they work together,
friend A did his best,
but friend B, being the incredibly smarter one, think he did crap, and help him, saying it was a hassle.

yea, thats the scenario, when i heard about it, i was pretty worried...
i mean, in my eyes, friend B, is a great person if i get to know him.
but since he is so much more capable, in his eyes some people are just trouble.
i seriously hope that whatever he said was meant to be a joke...

and i also found a reason why i was quiet arund some people,
the reason is mainly because i think they dislike me,
so i dont approach them...
its a viscous cycle really, i think they hate me, i dont talk to them, they think i quiet/ boring/ not friendly, so they dont talk to me, they dont talk to me i think they hate me, i dont talk to them, they think quiet....
LOL!!!!

yea, i don't know how to solve this problem since i really dont want to face a scenario where i talk to that person and he really hates me.
because i dont like people whom i hate to talk to me, since it will be irritating to me xD

So, if anybody got any suggestions on what to do, please tell me...

And, today on the way home, me, calvin, junjie and jia xu talk about a certain somebody and fighting him xD
i then explain that in real fighting, technique is secondary, first thing is guts.
hmmm, i think my jiao lian once said
一胆二力三功夫
it basically means, first comes gut, then power then technique. long explanation on the theory behind.

but its really true...
if u show a slightest bit of hesitation in a real fight, ure gonna get eaten.
yup, thats why i had a good time fighting strangers.
won't go into detail what happen, lets just say that it started out in pure anger, then i enjoyed the tension so much that i felt really really guilty for fighting... i was like a heartless person that time... oh well, i was young O:) (thats a halo smiley btw)
and thats why i dont really like violence now (i dont taopok anybody...)

anyway back to the case, when they say they gonna hit that certain somebody, i really dont think thats a good idea. perhaps ostracising him would be better, he dont bother us, we dont bother him.
OR EVEN BETTER :D we ignore him, but laugh at him !!! like number 9 in my previous class, that was so much fun xD
okay, im evil :(

ah whatever...

rushing...

gah, and i just realized how much homework i have left ._.
if its any homework i wouldn't even bother, but this time it concerns the whole class..
and i have two topics instead of one... @_@
man... im beat...
tml still got bowling and i dont think jiang yan knows... sucks having someone whos seems to be from a totally different world in my group...
i really don't know how to communicate to him... sheesh...