Dedications...

To my first love,

Even though i have never actually told you my feelings, but i guess you already know somehow. I really hope you will be happy for the rest of your life and that you will not have to go through the same thing again. Be strong :) If you ever feel bored or need help you can always look for me xD Thank you :) I'll always remember you xD Don't feel awkward when you see me though, always let me see that smile of yours.

To the person she chose,

Hey, you have been a great friend of mine, maybe you know about all these too, so don't feel awkward talking to me okay? Just be like the way we used to be. Take care of each other kay? :)

To that great friend who was concern about me,

Haha, i didn't know you would actually read my blog, but maybe after today's incident, you might not again. Like i said before, you are my most supportive friend ever and i treasure that friendship alot. I know you always wanted to do something for me, but you always say you don't know what to do. Truth is, you already have done alot. You helped me in studying and were always there for me. That alone is enough xD, knowing that i have a really really special friend like you. So please, don't feel bad about yourself. I didn't bother you with my problems recently because I was worried that I might trigger some bad memories for you somehow, since thats how we got together. I read your blog and it seems you were doing well, so I really don't want to see that depress you again. (Sorry for reading, even though you told me not to long ago xD) Anyway, stay confident in yourself, you're a great girl. If you ever need me again, remember, I'm always there for you like you were for me. Recently, the problems I'm facing is family personal matters, so I don't think you'll be interested xD

-end of dedications-

Haihz...
Recently, school has been fun, i guess i sort of cracked up ever since that weekend that i stop caring about what others think and just behave wildly. And today will be the day my father comes back...
Oh, and i don't expect the dedication to reach the person im referring to xD haha

Yea, many times i have thought if it would be better if i never knew that girl i love,
but i guess i can't think that way.
Her presence made me experience something new, and even though i still like her very much, i just wish she is happy, hopefully she won't get hurt again haha.

And to that special friend, Thank you for worrying about me.
I really like you alot xD ( as a best best friend of course xD)

gah, they won't read it anyway haha.

hello

hello...
been awhile since i posted since i was busy with exams...

heres what happen in the end,
i end up with only having finish studying econs book 1 for the entire month of holiday,
so i had to cover up with the time i had left before the exam starts...

after i take the exams,
i went back home,
took a nap,
wake up at around 9pm,
pack my bag and went to mac to study over night for the following day's topic...
mind you i had to stuff everything in a short 5-7 hours for one subject...

anyway, i never expect to do well in this exam...
if i did, i would most likely get beaten up.
Was not confident in my answers which resulted in lack of time...
(proving a few equations here and there before using...)

Well, throughout this time, my head was just filled with thoughts of why i am studying...
during the holidays like i have mentioned, i watch a few videos of people with talent...
many people just succeed without even relying on a single thing they learn in school...
somemore their school was way below our standard in singapore...

they relied on something else...

and that is pure passion.

Everybody who i have deem successful so far have an amazing passion for what they do best.
Its not just on stage, i see it in people who have achieve success without even so much as to stand on a stage.

so i started questioning whats my passion...

anyway, throughout this period of time i only feel like quitting school...
i see the poly students, most already finding their own path way in life,
i know most of them still havent, but compare it to my school...

Anyway, this weekend was one of the worst in my life...
usually i would be extremely happy with 4 days off school,
but this time...

my father arrive home every weekend from malaysia and with that,
he on his computer and down came my connection to the net...
usually i would have shutted his connection down with my own computer,
but this time he plug off my line and plug in his...
in other words, "stole" my connection...
so there i was, having nothing to do at home for 3 days since he arrive home early by a day.

What hurts me most was the thing he said...
well, i will admit some of them were true, but having him say it...
He doesn't deserve to talk about me...

he does he think he is ? My FATHER???
so what?
You freaking don't know anything about me...
and just continuously hurt my emotionally..

im not exxagerating when i say he don't know anything about me...
He really has totally no clue what his son do...
and just assumes his son is like this or like that, and tell people bullshit about me =.=
he wrecks my lifestyle into pieces...
So you see me changing for the better during weekdays, and when it reach the weekend,
he does things that restricts me... so im back to square one or even worse off...

i hate him...
i hate my home...

i really want to move out and just live my own life...

i use to laugh at people who are emo and hurt themself or tries to commit suicide...
but now, when life is totally empty and everything just plain sucks,
suicidal thoughts keep coming into your mind...
seriously...
i had actually wish a car would accidentally hit me and making me paralyzed and then i can just do what i want.
or better yet, kill me so i get another chance in life...

but thats also the reason why i choose to not commit suicide, because its not confirm that u get a second chance in being human, and secondly u wont retain your memories anyway...

and then the person who always say she will be there for me,
just isnt...

i dont want to breakdown again, i breakdown so many times in front of her and the only thing i get is a temperarily relief...
i would soon be back...

anyway i went out on one of the weekends to play pool with ken, vinc and yong. i must say i really miss times like this where i just fool around with my friends...
i was happy..
today i went out with a few people again, and again, i was reminded of how i used to act before this year...
before this year, everyday of my life was filled with smiles...
even if i didnt do homework, even if i failed a test, even if my computer broke down...
i would still be happy...

some people say just be yourself...
but like i said first impression matters alot,
and the way i am have already been imprinted onto everyone,
and when i try to be who i am (which is a complete opposite of the way i act now)
people just give me weird looks...

Saying, "just be yourself"
is the right thing to say to a person,
but nobody actually accepted it,
because it opposes the image they already have in their minds..
i tried... its still the same...

now my life is completely wreck in these 4 days...
i have food packet and bottles lieing around my room,
unwashed cups and bowls...
unwashed clothes,
tidbits lieing around...
sleep cycle screwed...
thanks dad, for screwing up my life...

i know i can't blame him though, since ultimately its still my fault...

oh and because i have no connection for these few days, i disapoointed my PW group AGAIN...
i disappointed and failed them so many times...
i donno how i should face them... im sorry, thats all i can say...

...
..
well, thats my life...

Wander

This is me ---> X_X

i feel dead ._.

and im here to report my current status.

So far, i have not studied any other topic except for econs which i totally flunked in today's exam ._.

Yes, throughout the whole month, i have been wasting time ._.
Not on training, not on playing, just plain stoning ._.

I only went bowling three time in the entire month...
i didnt study much at all..
and when i realize theres only two days left, i waste it away by surfing around youtube for funny videos ._.

so im stuck with only a few hours to study for the topic that comes the next day ._.

anyway, as i walk home after buying lunch and dinner, i just start to wonder about life again ._.
I'm really wasting my life ._.
i wish i can find something that makes me really passionate about ._.
something that i can relate to with my life ._.
something that i will devote my whole life to...
i donno what it is...
I start to feel like quitting school again...

haih, this time instead of the emo ness i had like last time,
all i feel now is complete emptiness...

What can i do?

Tried to

Hopefully nothing will go wrong with my posts again =.=
im sick of blogger screwing things up.

anyway, i wanted to talk about things that i wish i were xD

Haha, yea i know it will be really childish, but hey nobody reads stuff here anyway lol.

Anyway, recently i have been looking at some animes here and there, and then i saw a few videos about drawing, and read a few mangas here and there.

I guess i remembered how badly i wanted to be able to draw.

Its not just about using it as a medium to achieve my dream.

I really look up to these artists.
Being able to express and convey personalities through a few lines.
Thats whats its all about xD

Making a person go through an experience is something,
conveying it to them through words is another,
expressing it in ONE picture is a whole different thing.
that's why i look up to artists.
I saw this video of a talented anime drawer who has only started for 2 years ._.
but his work was fabulous,
he's so good that he developed his own way of drawing/painting eyes
which is used in visual novels to convey life in just one picture.

Then i saw a few J-rock videos and Funtwo (the guy who had 60mil views on youtube for playing Canon on his guitar)
It just make me want to learn the electric guitar even more...
but what i really want to have,
is to be like them, able to express themselves honestly.

Then i saw a few dance and stunts videos...
I know i always have a sudden burst of inspiration to do something just because i see it from the videos...
but today i watch them...
and i think that i should do something ._.

argh.. what am i thinking...
I just watch youtube live 08...
and then i see all these people lives' being changed by youtube...
and then i thought, hmm do people just post things and then they become a celebrity on the net?
No.
You have to have something to show..
and then i thought what if i had thought about this earlier, then i could have been like them..
thats when i remembered,
"Its not what you learn that matters, its what you do with it that gives you results."

Anyway recently i have watched a few videos of talented people,
and everytime i look at them i can't help but feel this aura around them.
its just brimming with talent.
they don't even have to showcase their skills, it can be seen from the way they entered the stage.
This is when i start thinking what it is that makes them have this special aura...
i guess i will never know the answer though,
until i somehow end up like them...

I have to practice on something and stick to it ._.

blogger sucks lol

yes blogger sucks, i had to delete my last post because apparantly only half of the text is shown =.= so yea deleted the post...

><

zzzz...

so i tried to have a good sleep yesterday, but didnt work... in total i only sleep 6 hours =.=
thought i make myself tired to sleep longer but no ._. i just woke up at 6am...

anyway, thought i would perform better when bowling with jerrine, jun wen and kc...
but no =.=

okay, so i wasnt even playing seriously...
xD my fault xD haha

yea, anyway, i perfected my double handed house ball throw.
and i can perform a back up house ball xD
yup...

but yea i lost touch when bowling normally...

at first it was because i was fooling around,
then later i got a stomache from drinking too much fruit juice (one litre)
then when i tried to bowl seriously, i found myself unable to relax...
and then i realize what's wrong...

I HURT MY SPINE @___@
no wonder everything was off balance...
YES ITS IN TERRIBLE PAIN RIGHT NOW @___@

ouch... T_T so much for wanting to train... now i hurt a vital part of the body...

anyway, have a class outing later, but i donno if i should go T__T

Firstly, its expensive to eat outside for 20 plus dollar...
secondly, my spine freaking hurts even when i walk....
thridly, im dead tired from bowling ._.

yes, you can get tired from bowling,
and when u are bowling professionally, its really really really exhausting...

seems like a slacky cca huh? play game for two hours in air-con room

lol WRONG...
its not that slacky in the physical part...
its quite tough...
speaking from experience
Of course it can't be compared to basketball and the hellish training i have few years ago,
but as a normal cca, its quite tough le...

secondly, bowling is a mind game...
if u don't find yourself tired from having to hold a half squat position for almost two hours,
then u WILL definitely find yourself tired from the mental stress.

lol put the two together, and its really tough to bowl...
anyhow bowl is easy la, i can easily bowl up to 20 games,
but if i want to hit high score for every game i can only play up to 4 games...

lol, really im not trying to suck up to my own cca, its really quite tough.

Anyway... /( >A< )/ MY SPINE REALLY HURTS @___@
sian... T__T

edit

lol, i came back and look at my post when i realize another mistake

in my drawing of bou, his headgear was off O_O
i think i was too sleepy when drawing that, no wonder his headpiece look so out of place,
it wasnt fitted right xD

yea anyway, i read about bou's retirement announcement and the bands response to it..
i was so touched ><
haih, and now i shall be a good cafekko and support antic cafe all the way >=/
need to find their abulm first xD lol