Back for an update...

yesterday my grandma was admitted to the hospital, isnt the first time these few days...
but this time, its more serious, she got a stroke, cant move her body, cant open her eyes, and she can only make a quiet grunt to show that she is not sleeping...
it hurts my heart to see her like this...

Anyway, i dont know why, i dont feel sad, i feel confused...
Exams are coming up, my cid presentation is due soon and now she is in critical condition...
what should i do?
should i be pragmatic and study or should i be the faithful grandson she knew?

I had always been proud that i was more pragmatic, more mature than anybody, and everything in school was just for fun...

i had experiences that nobody ever have, that made me more mature, i set my future, i think logically, i made decisions based on profit, EVERYTHING was based on advantages and disadvantages...

why am i like this? you can say my family play a big part in my life and its not in a good way...
many secrets of myself surround me, and my actions are based on thinking alone, i do this for that, i do that for this, nothing was by instinct...

AND NOW??.... can advantages and disadvantages alone allow me to decide what i should do???
i realize not... so what if im capable? so what if i can think? i cant prevent my grandmother from falling ill...

Last time, when my mother came home from overseas, the first thing she gave me was a pack of m&n's peanut butter flavor, at that time, it was a new flavor overseas and not in Singapore yet.
when i put one in my mouth, i felt warmth... i love it, the sense of security was perhaps due to the fact that my mother is home....
nevertheless, i buy that flavor whenever im feeling confused or down...
last time my grandma was admitted to the hospital, when she saw me, she said i had change, and i realize i have no idea what to talk about with her, having been away from her for awhile...
i bought a pack of m&n's when going home... and then i realize that i had been eating so much of it, it does not give me that warmth i felt anymore...
i used to hate those peanut coated chocolate, but now im okay with it...
has my heart turn into the same thing as the m&n's? from peanut butter to peanuts?
from a melted heart to a solid cold one?

i dont know...