Back for an update...

yesterday my grandma was admitted to the hospital, isnt the first time these few days...
but this time, its more serious, she got a stroke, cant move her body, cant open her eyes, and she can only make a quiet grunt to show that she is not sleeping...
it hurts my heart to see her like this...

Anyway, i dont know why, i dont feel sad, i feel confused...
Exams are coming up, my cid presentation is due soon and now she is in critical condition...
what should i do?
should i be pragmatic and study or should i be the faithful grandson she knew?

I had always been proud that i was more pragmatic, more mature than anybody, and everything in school was just for fun...

i had experiences that nobody ever have, that made me more mature, i set my future, i think logically, i made decisions based on profit, EVERYTHING was based on advantages and disadvantages...

why am i like this? you can say my family play a big part in my life and its not in a good way...
many secrets of myself surround me, and my actions are based on thinking alone, i do this for that, i do that for this, nothing was by instinct...

AND NOW??.... can advantages and disadvantages alone allow me to decide what i should do???
i realize not... so what if im capable? so what if i can think? i cant prevent my grandmother from falling ill...

Last time, when my mother came home from overseas, the first thing she gave me was a pack of m&n's peanut butter flavor, at that time, it was a new flavor overseas and not in Singapore yet.
when i put one in my mouth, i felt warmth... i love it, the sense of security was perhaps due to the fact that my mother is home....
nevertheless, i buy that flavor whenever im feeling confused or down...
last time my grandma was admitted to the hospital, when she saw me, she said i had change, and i realize i have no idea what to talk about with her, having been away from her for awhile...
i bought a pack of m&n's when going home... and then i realize that i had been eating so much of it, it does not give me that warmth i felt anymore...
i used to hate those peanut coated chocolate, but now im okay with it...
has my heart turn into the same thing as the m&n's? from peanut butter to peanuts?
from a melted heart to a solid cold one?

i dont know...

=(

well.. i just came back home and i check my blog when i realize... my previous post... was... cut off =(
i spew alot of personal stories in my previous post thats why i took two hours, but i dont know why, it seems like half of it was gone, or more like 3 quarters because i wrote more than that... =.= sian i dont even feel like rewriting them... wah lao, why got word limit then dont remind de =.=

so err, correction, it didnt took me 2 hour to write the previous post, it only took me half an hour, because the ones that i spent 1.5 hours to write did not appear =.=

i covered alot somemore.. =.= why i hate going on stages, my past stories blah blah.. then now like that... wtf

long update, happy reading

I am bored, so i decided to make a holy update...
Anyway, i just came back from cip today, after eating spaghetti too with swee, ace, sylv, fan and chong. Not the usual group, but hey its fun, i guess...
So, lets get started on updating, firstly, i guess my hobbies have change, im now playing king of fighters, drum mania as well as sangokushi taisen. Still playing guitarfreaks as well as magic...
timecrisis on the other hand, not much, since when i play, i play very long, coz i dont die easily =P ( im haolianing, beat me =P). Magic, have to wait for peng zhi they all to have time to play...
then para para paradise abit too shy to play now, then ddr always got pro, so dont dare play...

thats for hobbies... another thing that happen recently, should be about my little secret hobby that is not a secret now... drawing... Soooo... i'm gonna post it here, that i have a hobby of drawing =D and im proud of it. Jiachen once said," Its your hobby, what does others have to say about it?" that really made me change my mind about hiding that fact, though im still shy about showing my drawings.. they are not that good, nevertheless, im improving, sylvia and lau even gave me a sketchbook for me to draw on ^_^ yay, now i dont have to worry about not having a piece of paper to draw on, so err.. thank you ^^

Maybe some of you have actually heard me talking about it, that i have a huge secret... and you think im joking, thinking that im not that kind of person who have secrets and troubles... well, to tell the truth, im not joking... i do have this huge secret...
why did i suddenly bring that up? did i want ppl to know it? did i want attention?....nah, no way man... its just that this secret is about my dream, my life... but its getting further and further...

Many of you might think that its money... since i said that my dream is to earn billions...
thats true... many successful people have to have a determined dream of earning billions to make it true, i do have, but then i ask, how can a thought make someone move forward? how could it make me want to earn billions? I ask that to my mother and to few other successful ppl, they said," only if your life hangs on it" so i went into deep thought after that...
only then did i discover my dream, something to drive me...

so it has change, My dream is to earn billions so i can use that money to achieve my ultimate dream. Now, back to my secret which is in fact my ultimate dream...

well, reality check, as time goes by, it seems to me that my ultimate dream is not possible, unless there is some advanced technology in the future ( which i might fund with my money to make it possible) so i had another alternative dream, to achieve my dream...

that is, to bring fantasy to life...
to make a dream possible..

well, some of you might think im crazy, but there is a few things in life that does that...
1) books
2) comic books

there you have it, two things that make the human mind think, and imagine, that can make you live in your own reality, to make fantasy into life to make EVERY DREAM POSSIBLE
isnt that a better dream? its like having every dream... but still its all virtual

nevertheless, thats what drive me to start drawing, so yea it had been quite long, but my improvement is shaky, since i go on and off... had started about 1.5 year ago, so you can see that i had not work on it much...

still, with money, i could hire teachers and all that... so yup, money is stil everything...
Mr.wee said, if money is everything i give u 200 mil u kill everyone here...
i think i want make a correction to my answer...

i would kill if i needed money, but my purpose in getting money is so that i could enjoy a happy life, if i kill my friends, wont i be doing the opposite? so money may not be everything, but money is the only thing that provides everything =)
Sorry, i cant make my mind think that money is not everything since i have spent 2 years trying to wire my brain into thinking like a successful businessman and im not going to wire it back to the lousy poor brain, LOL

ANYWAY, so i have this huge secret, and now it seems further from achieving it.... im desperate, i have done alot to get nearer, but just cant stop it from going further..., i guess i really have to depend on the money i earn, to make that technology, or to make it come true through my comic or novels...

I even practiced lucid dreaming once... stop few weeks ago, in case any of you dont know what lucid dreaming is, basically its to be conscious in your dream, the ultimate level it to be able to control it...

yea... it works by the way, i spent 2 weeks practicing... but the furthest i got is to the conscious stage... i tried controlling it... but its too hard... once i tried to change something, i got closer to waking up ( yes, you can tell that u are waking up once u master lucid dreaming's consciousness), so yea, still need practice until i can actually control it... but my hectic life deprives me of that practice because i keep forgetting to do lucid dreaming practice ( its basically dream recall, and simple lucid dreaming)

so yea, the only way i can get close to my secret is actually in my dream... before i had lucid dreaming practice, i only dreamt once about my achieving my secret, but once i master i got quite a few, which is really great.. i feel comfortable... still, since i deproving in that area, its getting lesser too... err... you dont need to master controlling of dreams to dream what you want, lucid dreaming actually makes you dream what you want, though u cant control it, so its more like increase the chance of you dreaming about the dream you want, still dream control, is like being in control of the dream itself, means you can just dream anything, then change it the way you want... thats too high level for me xD

phew, thats alot of my mind, i never wrote so much before...

another thing, maybe some of you dont know what i meant by my msn nick where i said " I CANT GET HER OFF MY MIND"
and you gotta see swee's face when me and ace brought that up and then we said " its in our class", YOU CAN PRATICALLY SEE HIS EYES REELING THROUGH HIS MIND'S CLASS LIST TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS, lol... he is very gossipy de... and maybe theres a mistake there, coz you cant really see his eyes xD (sorry swee)
but no, its not in our class, its just this other person outside of school, sian, never saw her again... should have ask for her phone number or something... shes not that chio btw, just average, which is why ace also donno who it is because shes not that striking... why do i like her? she shares the same hobby as me =D, drawing and guitarfreaks and shes my type =)
ARGH enough about her... i ditch her off my mind le, just that its an update LOL.

school life has been bad....
some of you might have seen my msn personal message..
"Burden by history, affinity and gratitude... how am i suppose to face the one i disappointed... =("
yea, in case none of you know what it means, its basically my CCA, my jiaolian and my CCA mates. so yea, i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY X 100 want to go back to wushu, but dont dare, i donno what to say the them...
these few days i keep running into them, ppl like jiale, wanyan, francis ( yes i still know their names) .... I MISS THEM T___T ... i feel really sorry when i pop into jiale and had to push him off because im in a hurry and got a headache... really sorry jiale.. then francis even ask about my injury... man, my heart really hurt... then some of the other juniors also said hi when i pass by, THAT REALLY REALLY MAKES MY WANT TO CRY...

WUSHU is the thing that change my life, if no wushu, there will not be Tan Yu Hong... so yea... it change my life, it made me confident, it made me want to take up challenges...

in case you guys dont know, let me share another fact, people who are not confident, do not like their names, but as you can see, i proudly say and type my name now =P... yea, i owe it all to wushu..

i miss the days of training, i miss the days of muscle aches, i miss the days of spending time with my jiao lian, i miss the days of hearing facts about wushu, i miss the days of listening to stories, i miss the days of teaching others... i miss wushu...

anyway, i tried to take up another 2nd cca to take my mind off, which reminds me of my new hobby, BOWLING... but it just doesnt cut it, i keep having the feeling that i do not like bowling ( or any ball games for that matter) and im just substituting it with wushu... it did numb me... so im seeing how it goes...

oh and btw, my msn working alraedy, thats why i recently online often =D yay, so talk to me, or just say hi ( boys and girls all welcome) , so i dont get bored ^_^

another thing about school is the fact that there are rules...
i have to cut my hair =( that is one thing i am very unhappy about, i mean comeon, what has growing long hair got to do with education?? NOTHING, if it does anything, it just makes us look nerdy, stupid and have comepletely no life at all, like all we do is push our spectacles, and sniff our nose as we dig ourself into a nice boook... WAT THE F***..... i have no grudge agaisnt reading books, but just the idea of being a nerd makes me sick....

i mean you can look neat, proper, smart, hygenic even with long hair, i mean girls look okay with long hair right? so can boys.
some might say long hair only for girls, but i ask why, they cannot answer...
some say boys should keep short hair, but i ask why, they cannot answer...

EXACTLY there is no answer, its impossible, coz its just completely redundant...
if u say boys cannot wear skirts, i understand, because its just disgusting with our "buddy" sticking out, so skirt is a no no. BUT HAIR is completely different...

then they say its the school rules, i myself believe in school rules, coz it keeps order in our school.
uniforms, makes us distinguishable, so we can tplay truant, and we wont get confuse with the teachers, and it prevents outsiders/strangers from coming in, coz it would be obvious.
but hair... what? what can it do???

mr wee said ( yes i think he is a great teacher), that arguing for rights for the sake of convenience just doesnt work, i agree... coz its just... not plausible.
so for hair, i guess explaining out of that is hard... but so is sustaining it... i mean there is no reason to keep long hair, but there is also no reason to keep short hair... so its just redundant... but if its redundant it should be remove, but people dont just remove rules once it is impose on the rule book unless there is sufficient reason, which is what the hair rule is lacking.... reasons to remove... BUT again, i must stress that, so is it lacking in reason of having that rule.

of course what mr wee said, is not about hair, but rather the handphone problem....
ms loke said, she proud of th SC because the handphone rule thing makes it apparent that they are thinking people... yea right BULLSHIT.... err, i like ms loke, i think she is reasonable and is a good person, but that statement is just wrong, so yea, no grudge to her, only to the statement...

anyway, in case you guys dont know, our school is filled with stupid people, yea...
i tried saying it to everyone, that intelligence and academic is just two completely different things, and last lesson, even mr wee agrees, HAH, I TOLD YOU GUYS I WAS RIGHT THAT ITS DIFFERENT ( EAT THAT YONG HONG, you non-believer =P) yea... yong hong thought that academic means more intelligence...
so... err, our school got alot stupid people la, high academic results, low IQ.
so back to our handphone rule thingy, the handphone rule thingy, is just plain stupid....
i mean the phone rule is pretty relaxed, we are already allowed to bring our phone to school, what more can u ask for? and now they ask for relaxation, to be able to use it while break and all... i mean comeon, its only for 1 hr...=.= .... and further more, most people using it throughout the day, smsing in their bags =.=.... so what the heck has the hand phone rule thingy done? NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... well it did one thing, that jie ren pointer out, it made the school more aware of people using the handphone, so wether or not the rule got imposed, using it in class is even harder... i know thats wrong, but i mean, if you plan to do something to benefit the student body, then make sure it did. dont make it backfire...
another stupid thing of the school student body is the uniform thing... they dont like tucking in shirt... so new uniform should vote for no tuck in shirt right?? yup, thats what they tried to do, then ms lok say only PE or uniform can be untuck... and guess what they choose...
If you are clever, you would choose uniform, cause uniform is the one worn the most, PE is only like twice a week, and even if your PE-shirt is untuck, some PE teachers wont say anything until end of the game, because they know PE-shirt will become untuck if you play sports. Ya, so uniform vote untuck better so that we dont have to keep hearing teachers say "tuck in your shirt". BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT NO, majority of the students are too spoilt and dumb to even think... =.= they voted for untuck pe shirts... clever, just plain clever...
then, when some of the boys tried to sew their shirts like girls, so its folded in at all times ( rubberize ends), the teachers say cannot... dots i thought the purpose of tucking in shirt is to make us look presentable, so if rubberizing the ends so that it looks like its tuck and not untidy, then hey its the same as tucking in, the purpose is reach, they look presentable.

what am trying to say here is, people dont think, they are too rigid... im not against any teachers or the student body, but yea, sometimes it can really get on my nerves that people are just too...... st*pid ....

dont start something whereby, it states that i flame the teachers or anything, im not, im just venting my fustration. if any case, i LOVE my teachers and i respect them.... well... some of them... i mean people like ms chia, she is very very reasonable, so i love her, coz she know what is right and wrong and what is redundant. mr tan, also understands the students, mr liu, is just soooo coool ^_^, chen lao shi also another teacher who have successfully understand the students and you can see he go all his way out to understand us, by analyzing our behaviour and all that, (thats why he is in welfare, ^_^), then mr wee, he is a GP teacher... he only believes in reasons, which is why he is like ms chia, reasonable... reasonable teachers makes you respect them, so yea, i love my teachers ^_^ they are great.... muacks to them <3333 though ="P">>>>tag please>>>>>
AND WOW, IT TOOK ME TWO WHOLE HOURS TO WRITE THIS POST @_@ i got flame by my mother =(