Screw.... myself...

hello... to nobody.
I'm back writing here...
why? coz i'm feeling screwed...

Back in 4H, i was childish, loud, noisy, people look at me expecting me to make them laugh... what? am i suppose to pull a chicken out of my ass??
whatever, i don't want that to happen anymore...
so what do i do? I tried to change, tried to at least at abit mature. Or so i thought and wish.
So in 5I u see a very quiet me. Not very entertaining.

But now, you know what's wrong?

I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of living a double? no TRIPLE life.
Just what am i anyway?
I had to push myself and use alot of energy everyday to keep people in the moods in 4H.
And now i had to pressure myself to not TRY and be funny in 5I.
its tiring...
Just WHAT am i anyway??

I'm so confused now...

I just realize no matter how much i change myself just for a person.
Nothing will happen.

Why?

Because i'm just a freaking nobody.
A joke.
I don't even think i deserve to live.
Haha, Who and what am i?

Some people say i think too much...
too much for my own good.
I dont think so,
I HOPE too much.

What was i thinking??? Wishing to be something better.
And there i was trying to climb up a mountain, only to realize after i have reach there, that i'm only on top of a hill... a very low hill.

So what shud i do now? I donno, i think the real me just wants to quit school, or quit life.
My billionaire dream? i donno, i seriously doubting myself now... i think my life was just a great big lie.

oh look, i broke my bones, who cares.
oh look, i lost a limb, who cares.
oh look, i jumped off a building, who f*cking cares.

yea yea, ppl say im emo. yea i AM, i admit. after trying to fight it off for the last two years, after trying to prevent people from BEING emo. I give up.
But i don't wish its the end...

My fren sent me smth last time,
Wish for her happiness.
Don't ask if she's the one for you,
But ask if you're the one for her.
If you are,
Then be there for her.
If you aren't,
Love her from the sidelines.

Me? I'm not for her... and loving her from the sidelines, hurts... FREAKING hurts..
But who was the one who was too shy to talk to her and entertain her? Me.
Who was the one not beside her when she was lonely? Me.
Who was the one who didnt notice she was down? Me.
Who was the one who didnt cheer her up after knowing she's down? Me.
Me. Me. Me.
Screw it... Screw myself...