hello

hello...
been awhile since i posted since i was busy with exams...

heres what happen in the end,
i end up with only having finish studying econs book 1 for the entire month of holiday,
so i had to cover up with the time i had left before the exam starts...

after i take the exams,
i went back home,
took a nap,
wake up at around 9pm,
pack my bag and went to mac to study over night for the following day's topic...
mind you i had to stuff everything in a short 5-7 hours for one subject...

anyway, i never expect to do well in this exam...
if i did, i would most likely get beaten up.
Was not confident in my answers which resulted in lack of time...
(proving a few equations here and there before using...)

Well, throughout this time, my head was just filled with thoughts of why i am studying...
during the holidays like i have mentioned, i watch a few videos of people with talent...
many people just succeed without even relying on a single thing they learn in school...
somemore their school was way below our standard in singapore...

they relied on something else...

and that is pure passion.

Everybody who i have deem successful so far have an amazing passion for what they do best.
Its not just on stage, i see it in people who have achieve success without even so much as to stand on a stage.

so i started questioning whats my passion...

anyway, throughout this period of time i only feel like quitting school...
i see the poly students, most already finding their own path way in life,
i know most of them still havent, but compare it to my school...

Anyway, this weekend was one of the worst in my life...
usually i would be extremely happy with 4 days off school,
but this time...

my father arrive home every weekend from malaysia and with that,
he on his computer and down came my connection to the net...
usually i would have shutted his connection down with my own computer,
but this time he plug off my line and plug in his...
in other words, "stole" my connection...
so there i was, having nothing to do at home for 3 days since he arrive home early by a day.

What hurts me most was the thing he said...
well, i will admit some of them were true, but having him say it...
He doesn't deserve to talk about me...

he does he think he is ? My FATHER???
so what?
You freaking don't know anything about me...
and just continuously hurt my emotionally..

im not exxagerating when i say he don't know anything about me...
He really has totally no clue what his son do...
and just assumes his son is like this or like that, and tell people bullshit about me =.=
he wrecks my lifestyle into pieces...
So you see me changing for the better during weekdays, and when it reach the weekend,
he does things that restricts me... so im back to square one or even worse off...

i hate him...
i hate my home...

i really want to move out and just live my own life...

i use to laugh at people who are emo and hurt themself or tries to commit suicide...
but now, when life is totally empty and everything just plain sucks,
suicidal thoughts keep coming into your mind...
seriously...
i had actually wish a car would accidentally hit me and making me paralyzed and then i can just do what i want.
or better yet, kill me so i get another chance in life...

but thats also the reason why i choose to not commit suicide, because its not confirm that u get a second chance in being human, and secondly u wont retain your memories anyway...

and then the person who always say she will be there for me,
just isnt...

i dont want to breakdown again, i breakdown so many times in front of her and the only thing i get is a temperarily relief...
i would soon be back...

anyway i went out on one of the weekends to play pool with ken, vinc and yong. i must say i really miss times like this where i just fool around with my friends...
i was happy..
today i went out with a few people again, and again, i was reminded of how i used to act before this year...
before this year, everyday of my life was filled with smiles...
even if i didnt do homework, even if i failed a test, even if my computer broke down...
i would still be happy...

some people say just be yourself...
but like i said first impression matters alot,
and the way i am have already been imprinted onto everyone,
and when i try to be who i am (which is a complete opposite of the way i act now)
people just give me weird looks...

Saying, "just be yourself"
is the right thing to say to a person,
but nobody actually accepted it,
because it opposes the image they already have in their minds..
i tried... its still the same...

now my life is completely wreck in these 4 days...
i have food packet and bottles lieing around my room,
unwashed cups and bowls...
unwashed clothes,
tidbits lieing around...
sleep cycle screwed...
thanks dad, for screwing up my life...

i know i can't blame him though, since ultimately its still my fault...

oh and because i have no connection for these few days, i disapoointed my PW group AGAIN...
i disappointed and failed them so many times...
i donno how i should face them... im sorry, thats all i can say...

...
..
well, thats my life...