HongHongSite

5th feb 2011

2011-02-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

Yest, i found out the dangers of lucid dreaming.

i was lucid dreaming, and having really good fun.

people in my dream said," you think u have powers? are you crazy?"

i said," watch."
and then i made objects fly through the air and into my hand.

after having some good fun,
i decided its time i exit lucidity.

so i "woke up"
i look down at my body, as if i had just woken up.

but something doesnt feel right,
for one, i feel like im still dreaming, and the lights are on.

turns out,
i really am dreaming,
so i tried "waking up" again.

the same scene appears again,
but this time i was almost fooled.

the feeling was still there.

i tried to make my hands transparent like glass,
just to show myself that im still really dreaming.

but it became incredibly hard.
somewhere in the back of my head,
its screaming,"you cant turn your hand invisible in real life, its impossible."
i almost gave up and accept that dream as real life.
but something just doesnt feel right,
and i fought hard, struggled.
finally my hands trun invisible slowly and i know im dreaming,
and this time, with a final hard push,
i finally woke up,
feeling the tiredness in my body...

i knew this time i was really awake.

but it scared me that time,

what if one day i accepted the thought,
and be stuck in my dreams forever...

despite myself having fun earlier on in my dreams,
i actually forgot the reason why i first practiced lucid dreaming,
because i was having too much fun making objects fly and conjuring things out in mid-air xD.

i also realised, despite all that fun,
somewhere inside me,
i was still disappointed.

as i made things appear in my dreams,
i thought," sigh, soon these things will disappear..."

4th feb 2011

2011-02-03T11:09:00.000-08:00

hi,

everyday i have been jealous,

constantly reminded of my problem.

everywhere i look,

it reminds me of it,

and i question myself,

"man, why?"

but at least,

i have been convinced that even my far fetched dream can be attainable or at least almost attainable.

30th jan 2010

2011-01-30T07:05:00.000-08:00

:/

its hard to talk about my problems because im trying to not let others know what it is.

maybe i should write them somewhere else.

going ns soon,

my fitness not that good,
and i forgot to go see the chiropractic.

zzz, i keep wanting to write about my problems here,
but i just end up deleting them because it becomes very easy to guess what my problems are.

its a secret i kept for so long...

it should stay as one.

4 jan 2010

2011-01-04T04:34:00.000-08:00

Have been wanting to post again, but everytime its because of me getting reminded of my pain.

Its sad really,
sometimes i look at stuff, and say
one day i'll get it.

But when i when i look at things that reminds me of my pain.
and i said,
one day i'll get it.
but that one day is the day i die.
isnt that pretty long?
It makes me hopeless and depress.

whatever,
recently, my life is packed.
with fun things :D
swimming, running, going to the gym, playing LAN, playing Plant Vs Zombie, Playing old gameboy games.
though im stuck with the same few people around me,
i have less time to think of other things, which is pretty good.

Swimming takes up alot of my recent time.

I dont know how to swim at first,
but after trying to swim 4 times, with the help of some friends, and youtube videos,
i can finally swim.
so i keep going.
its addictive.
haha,
any sport once i get it, gives me the addictive feeling.
Wushu, bowling, pool, guitar.
These are things that give me the feeling to be passionate for.
So i guess i'll be swimming for a while.

Went to Jurong east swimming pool.
the wave pool there bigger than CSC.
and lasted longer.
after coming out and going home,
right now i still feel like im still in the wave pool.
dizzy...

30 dec 2010

2010-12-30T06:55:00.000-08:00

:/

dno what to say, but i know something doesn't feel right in my life.

could be the lack of friends?

or the changing attitudes of my "friend"?

i left one month until i go NS.
and i haven been training up.

i guess i know who's friend and who's just there.

27 dec 2010

2010-12-26T06:57:00.000-08:00

I had a dream the previous night.
it was me facing my pain head on and living my dream.

in that dream,
i did faced the pain i said i will if i were to faced it head on.
Of course, in that dream i was still in a state where its possible to achieve my dream (few years ago).

After reading a few articles and reviews here and there, im pretty positive that im one of them.
that the pain i have is shared among these people out there.

despite me not facing my problems head on in real life,
im still in pain by the constant reminder of what i could have.

but... only in stories does such miracles exist,
where the main character has friends who look out for each other.

There was once where i dreamt of myself,
living my ultimate dream.
The incidents that happen then was of no significance.
but just being what i wanted to be gave me the most blissful moments of my life.

Waking up to reality is a nightmare.

im not kidding.

if only there is a way of making reality a dream.

26 dec 2010

2010-12-26T02:02:00.000-08:00

how can i be a friend that people look for ._.?

Somehow im losing ppl around me.

i dont know what to do actually.

im abit lost again.

im starting to doubt my own goals.

its great, but will it cause me to lose my friends?

if your friends are pulling u back from ur dreams,

then they are really not your friends.

but how do i make my self so steel hearted that i can survive without company?

23 dec 2010

2010-12-22T08:04:00.000-08:00

I wonder...

My heart seems to be more cold now.

its just protecting itself, so that i wont crack down and start crying my life away.

i would say i enjoy my new self, but it comes with a certain sense of guilt.

i guess im slowly getting over you.

knowing u r going out with somebody may be the reason.

When can i taste the joy of love?

19 dec 2010

2010-12-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

Its really painful, when i see my ideal dream.

but it doesnt belong to me.

how i wish, someone could just press the restart button,

relief me of my pain.

and then let me relive life.

I may not see all these lessons i have learnt in this life.

but i know, i would be happy.

18 dec 2010

2010-12-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

Despite me still not arriving at any conclusion to my problems,

the one thing that keeps popping up in my mind, was my goal in life.

It was like the light at the end of the tunnel.

No matter how depress i am or how inconfident i am,

its for this light that i continue to put one step infront of the other.

I may never reach the end.

But im definitely moving.

the following day (yesterday),
i went out to visit vinc at the suntec book fest with acer.
i bought quite a few books,
3 on drawing/ painting
1 on sales.
the other that i loved to buy is too expensive.
but acer bought two interesting books, so can trade next time.
so next time book fest must bring more ppl,
then can trade around :D

when i was going home (acer went class outing)
i met my jiaolian :D
we talked on the way home (:

then i went home and saw my father at home.
i was like, SHIT...

recently, i have started exercising.
i did it before, but i remembered why i stopped.
i was shy to go outside (except when running),
so i did my routine in the house after i came back from a run,
but when my father is home, i dont wan to go to the living room.
my room is too small for my routine.
so i quit.

however in the end, i still did what i wanted.
today morning, i went out to run, and did my routine OUTSIDE!!!
yup, thats a success.
despite there having people, i still completed what i set out to do.

guess what amde me do it?

yup, my goal again LOL.

i cant stress enough how much my goal means to me as motivation to do things.

even at the darkest of times, when everything is pushing me back, i was still moving...
the only thing in my head was, "yuhong, u have to achieve your goal, dont get distracted."

16 dec 2010

2010-12-16T05:24:00.000-08:00

Fuck man, i realize how selfish some people are.

and i realize how little friends i have.

some how i feel like i got stabbed in the back today.

Twice.

felt cheated and very much like a childish fool.

im begining to doubt myself again.

today on the walk home,

i asked myself.

what does it mean to be strong?

Able to ask the right person for help?

or to not ask for help at all?

i have no idea...

what does it mean when someone say i do not need anyone in this world?

is he strong?

I cant arrive at any conclusion.

15 dec 2010

2010-12-15T03:31:00.001-08:00

u know,

i always complain there isnt enough time,

and i always complain im bored.

actually i have loads to do.

and little time.

13 dec 2010

2010-12-13T03:47:00.001-08:00

Talking to the moon. (i often did)

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Ahh Ahh,
Ahh Ahh,

Do you ever hear me calling?
Cause every night
I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you

In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

13 dec 2010

2010-12-12T08:11:00.001-08:00

its official,

theres no hope.

i give up.

im gonna cry myself to sleep,

singing the song i prepared for her.

lalala...

where are u?

12 Dec 2010

2010-12-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

Bloody f**king hell.

was suppose to go to some wedding dinner,
but i didnt.

why?
coz my father manage to "talk" me out of it.

by "talk" i mean throwing a tantrum like a kid.

zzzzz.......
f**k, he's pathetic.
no life at all.
what kind of father is he?
worse, he's my father.

and u know whats even more worse than him being my father?
me responding to his tantrum like a kid too.

F**K I ACTED JUST LIKE HE WOULD...

F**K HIM.

i should have just ignore him and enjoy myself.

Instead, i choose to "teach him a lesson".
but after i did it, i realize i did the exact same thing he usually did to my family.

F**K,
i hate it when i did the same things he did.
I HATE IT.

EDIT:

So...
im slowly started to think that this chance im given.
is not a chance to get together.

but a chance to become friends.

i tried so many times to ask u out,
though they are some what indirect,

but somehow u just manage to find stuff to occupy that day.

i think u know i like u

i think u dont wan me to like u

i donno about myself.

i guess i will just wait naturally.

what ever will happen, happens.

nonetheless...
i'll continue to walk on this planet...

11 dec 2010

2010-12-11T02:18:00.000-08:00

im bored.
and with my specs broken, theres really not much i can do,

10 dec 2010

2010-12-10T02:00:00.000-08:00

back from chalet.

when going home i sort of hear some stuff,
and i start to ponder...

i have been troubled by my own problems that it has been so long since i did anything for anybody.

and so i ask myself,
when will i have the ability to help others?

EDIT:

Man...

i don't know how it turns out like this.
are u finding me annoying?
it sucks.

talking to u is painful,
and yet i have to put on a smile.

constantly trying to ask u out.
u reject everytime indirectly.
why cant someone just tell me she is with somebody or something,
make me give up on her.

when was the last time i saw u?
when was the last time i was with u?
so long ago...

i miss talking with u,
laughing with u,
calling you,
saying good night to u.

sucks...

its so painful talking to u,
but i really wan to hold on to u,
so i keep saying hi,
and start random senseless conversation,
wishing that everything will suddenly turn back like before.

EDIT:

haha, i so wish i could sing to you bruno mars " just the way you are" just now,
really..
i think u re amazing, just the way you are.

even though u might find that only me is not good enough.
but.. i still think u really are amazing, not just to me.

okay, i shud stop saying all this, later ppl start asking questions.
or worse, she reads this.

7th dec 2010

2010-12-06T08:49:00.000-08:00

Im back home from prom.
i donno whats wrong with me.
i was so positive about myself before prom.

i had a talk with a fren and he was shock at my determination to earn big bucks, and was convinced into my plan.

during prom. i just stayed quiet.
i feel like i don't have enough friends.
so i guess its true.
although i know almost everyone in the school.
i didnt really approach them to become friends.
i told myself to change for the better and become more confident in dealing with strangers.
but around friends, somehow i just revert.

More than anything, i feel extremely lonely, as if these 6 years i spent in RV was not fulfilling.

and more than anything, i wanted to say something to somebody, but i couldnt steel myself to do it.

i was afraid.
afraid of rejection.
i dont mind being just friends, but if what i say were to crash everything, i rather i dont do it at all.

i decided to bring my guitar to chalet.
even though i might get pwned there.
but, like i said, i dont care, i wan to be myself.

i wanted to be myself.
but as i walk home today.
i said," how do i make sure im being myself, when im the one who dont feel comfortable being myself?"

its sucks.
my secret problem.

and going to the prom just makes it more painful.

i shouldnt have gone and should have just enjoyed my state of peace and mind.
Going to the prom, is just making it more painful than ever, plus adding to my feeling of loneliness, and filling my mind with heartbreaking thoughts of somebody.

my friends tried to help.
i appreciate it.
but, how can we be together when we sort of broke up as friends?
i missed my chance back then.

i really wan to sing songs to her, its the only reason why im practicing sooo much.

i told myself, one of the motto i'll live by is to never limit myself.
so i wont say that i dont stand a chance.
rather,

Dear God or Universe,
please grant me another chance...

5th dec 2010

2010-12-05T04:29:00.000-08:00

So i have been able to succssfully play barr chords only like less than three days ago. but it feels like i have been playing for very long lol.

my friends manage to convince me to go for the prom and spend my savings on clothes.
sad to say, after i bought them and went back to shopping a few days later at bugis, i saw similar stuff but at a much much lower price ):

my guitar string broke from me playing it too hard, and i learnt a lesson on buying strings.

other than all these,
i just kinda feel left out, when walking on the streets and seeing everyone paired up. its like if u wan to be there u must be with your partner ._.

buuuutttt...
whatever.

at least even when im old i still have my guitar, my drawings and of course my money XD

2nd dec 2010

2010-12-02T06:21:00.001-08:00

is it just me?
after a lvl,
every single convo i started with anybody has a very long time before they reply.
and when they reply its sooo short and sweet that i get the priveliage of having a extremely short convo.

zzz,
i said im going to heck care.
but man its really annoying.
is it me?
or are u all really that busy.

dec 1 2010

2010-12-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

its weird really...
somehow, i have nothing to do.
and im playing no games at all.
SEE, if i got something to do, i'll play game.
nothing to do will not even touch game.
even my stupid iphone games that requires u to check back every so often is outdated by a day.

Ever since i accepted myself for who i am.
my life is looking up.
i cover my past in wushu behind already from meeting my jiao lian yesterday.
as i was playing my guitar, i felt peaceful.

Goals are important in life.
My jiao lian said, 人生要有目标才能有方向
and with a direction, u will then be able to walk.

its true.

i never knew how powerful dreams can be.
it motivates u to move forward.

but despite all these ups in life.
i began to feel lonely.
somehow good friends are hard to find.
and those who truly understands u are incredibly rare.
well there is a saying for this, but i cant remember.

friends i have,
good friends a few,
real good friends? none...

i dont even care if this person is a freak or what.

haih, anyway as i was cleaning my room, i happen to be cleaning my pile of drawings.
it was incredibly entertaining looking at them.

there were 3 peaks in my drawing journey.
everytime i reach a high point, i stop.
and after a few months restarted from scratch.

but through my drawings i realize everytime i restart,
my drawing style changed and my standards increases.
but the 3 different drawing peaks i experience have 3 different drawing style.

it was damn cool seeing some really well done pieces that i couldnt believe i had drawn them before.
there were also incredibly ugly pictures as well, that i couldnt believe i drew them and liked them lol.

30th nov 2010

2010-11-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

So..
i wanted to write something for my jiaolian be4 he leave rv.
at first i had lots to say, but i forgot them ._.
thats why i have been putting them on hold until today, whcih happens to be the last day/ moment.
later have to go see him liao.

i realize that everytime, if u see me staying at home and playing games, its means i most likely have something to do, but im not doing.
like i said, game is my way of escapism.

sucks.
i had a good talk with my mother today during breakfast.
about lots of stuff.

i had a post in my phone too for a few days ago, but i didnt get to post it. so i'll scratch it, i think.

right now, im blogging, because i have to start writing smth for my jiaolian.
so maybe blogging will get me into the writing mood...
as soon as my stomache goes away... ouch...

my recent post in my phone is just about how much pain im in.
which is true,
i was trying to get to sleep,
but its so painful that i have to let it out,
so i wrote them in my phone, and went to sleep.

recently, someone talked to me,
i was ecstatic.
but was then disappointed.

sucks.

so after today, marks my journey and the execution of my plans.
i wont hold them off. i said i'll do it.
and after few years down the road,
u'll see me, in the top 10 list of rich people in sg.
hah, i wont be a inventor or innovator of something new, thats too easy.
if i can i'll do it too.
but i will excel in marketing and exploiting the market to reap profits.
so, to my friends who i marked.
i'll make u guys rich.
so work hard. lol

i mean it.
i approach a friend who was interested in business, though my first plan fail.
i promised him i will look to him when i have a business proposal.
i will bring up the company and then give it to him.

another friend said he wanted to invent smth along with a friend.
i said good luck and that i will market their product for them.

bah, it was all talk then.
but its going to become real.

im convinced and determined.
to give my mother a good life.
maybe not soon, but definitely.

she said she felt disappointed in herself.
she was an excel student in school.
one of the best.
but today, she stands in the lower band of society while her classmates outshine her in many ways.

well, i experienced the same thing earlier.
or rather now.

i dont think im as good as her, but i know i was doing well.
but now, i see my friends running ahead of me.
its sad.

i know what mr tan cheeyeng said when he say," u wont know the pain of people achieving more than u when u were standing along them be4 until it happens to u"

im disappointed in myself for underachieving.
jealous of others.
though i have destroyed my jealous self, because i know im the one to blame.

but...
this time.
the first and final time.
im reminding myself.
not to worry but to keep moving.
if not for me,
then for others who care about me.

hah,
i'll do it.
i'll succeed in life,
both by trashtalking, and really achieving it.

my problems?
i accepted it.
i have a problem, a serious problem.
its not going to go away with me constantly worrying and fretting over it.
Yes, i will be affected and fret over it.
but i will live with it.

my father?
heck, at least he tried.
it wont be like what we used to,
but i will have the courage to talk to him one day.
i will make it right.
i will make him understand.
not make him swallow his words.
but educate him on where he is ignorant.

okay, im gonna start writing for my jiao lian liao.

22nd nov 2010

2010-11-22T04:35:00.000-08:00

So, like i said, there are people who knows my pain in different parts of the world, but everyone ended differently.

Some kept it to themselves and end up dead, suffocated by the pain so much that they took their life happily.

Some faced it head on, and lived the life they wanted but faced problems here and there.

The rest just push it into the back of their mind as best as possible,
and try and live life anyway.

For me, im the latter, i choose to live with it lock away.
why?
cause i dont want to die and leave my mother,
and i know i cant face the problem head on without growing more aware of the pain.

i guess its at least comforting to know there are people who understands and knows the same pain, but the pain is still there.

So i recieved a message about my jiao lian leaving rv soon.
I started thinking about what i want to say to him.
This is my chance to apologize and thank him for everything.

I decided to write it the way i am, not behind any mask.
I realized,
after thinking about what i wan to say to him,
that my life is heavily infleunced by the thoughts of others.
I do things with others in mind through my whole life.
Mind u, its not the, very kind and nice, "oh, ure so thoughtful of others." kind
but rather the more selfish kind where i do things either to prove i to people i can do it or to show-off.
Its this reason that i often wear a mask infront of people.
Its also this reason that cause me to underperform in any kind of competition.
Im always too concious of showing off to people that im too nervous to do it well at all.
Whereas i always excel during training (crazily well) because im just being myself and having fun.
Im going to stop this (the getting affected by others attitude),
since i have already said im going to embrace being myself,
i wont care what others think of me anymore.

Its funny because i take up alot of skills to impress people,
in the end i tried alot of stuff,
and some of them i have grown to love alot because it allows me to be myself.

Guitar playing is my way of expressing feelings,
i wish one day i can play a tune properly,
and just lay back on a seat with my guitar, and strumming anything coming to my mind.
it'll be a pleasant moment.
Or i can just pick an electric guitar and strum away madly, expressing my excitement or frustration.

Dancing is my way of venting rhythmn.
sometimes i listen to a pop song and just feel the need to move.
but with my limited skills and power i cant really have fun.
thats why i wan to learn how to break dance,
to just suddenly explode into a fit of movements and jumps.
its will a very fun moment xD

wushu is a way of life and full of adrenaline.
i like wushu and akido.
akido, is an effective fighting style and easy to understand, when u execute it, its like a set of fluid movements. often highly UNDERestimated too lol.
wushu, is like a sudden burst of adrenaline and then a sudden stop.
a deadly silent pause, like a tiger ready pounce.
the feelin is really hard to describe but incredibly enjoyable.
(maybe its due to the sport chemical thing they say ur body makes when u work out??)

pool is a simple cool game that requires skill.
Seeing the shots u took time to calculate land into one of the pockets is a very satisfying feeling, especially when u do them consecutively.

bowling is a game of concentration.
Just the slightest bit of difference can make a big difference in to how many pins fall.
of course there is the other, "let it rip!" where u send pins literally flying!
the sound the pins make when they fly and crash into each other is just...
"shiok"

drawing is my way of making my thoughts come to life.
being able to literally draw out an image from ur mind is a very hard skill to master.
but im going to practice till i get there.
for the sake of myself.

Gaming, sad to say, is my way of escaping from life.
i literally zone out and stop thinking when gaming.
but the guilt inside is terrible.
recently, i have enjoyed a few games because it was a reward.

all these hobbies are stuff i have grown to love, because im just being me when doing them, there is no idea of showing off.
though gaming shud be a way of relaxation rather than escapism.

Anyway, so i took chem paper 1 today,
i was out of time because im stuck on a particularly annoying question that i spent 20 min on :(
u know how much 20 min is in a one hour paper?
alot...
so i was rushing and crashing through the paper.
it was funny because in the end i got quite alot of them correct,
maybe its because its like the O lvl chinese paper in which i perform due to time constraint.
its most likely because im being myself xD
no time to worry about how i would perform to others lol
i just do it.

anyway, i was also quite to shock to find myself not the slightest bit concern about my failing A level results.
maybe because im determined to succeed and not make this downfall affect me too much.
Again, i must remind myself that failing is not okay.
though i fail this time, i wont allow myself to heck care,
but rather start thinking what's next.

Some good things also happen recently when i started embracing being myself.
Remember how a few months ago i posted about having these awkward fear when talking to people?
well, its gone!!!!
YES, im back to being my sec3 and sec4 self.
i can talk with a clear mind to strangers.
though i still suffer at talking with my classmates because its hard to break out of their impression of me, and i sometimes speak without thinking when talking with people i trust.
but hey, this means i have no trouble meeting new people :D

anyway, i would also like to say thanks to the person who sms me occasionally with words of encouragement :D
its comforting to know that at least, life gives u a friend.
Im always reading ur blog posts too, though i donno what to say without trying to be nosey.

i also realize how simple it is to make an impact on someone lives just be trying to do so.
I heard from somebody that im one of the person who made a huge impact on this other special friend of mine.
i didnt do anything actually,
just being beside her and we try to cheer each other up constantly.

Again, i made the mistake of being infleunce by others.
my friends started saying what a good couple we make.
somehow i dont like it,
maybe because i wan to be seen as single.
maybe i dont wan to burden her with those stupid rumors.
but nonetheless, i commited the mistake of finding fault in her and avoided her abit.
its selfish and stupid.
i know what its like cause i lost two friends because they thought i like them in the BGR way and left me, when in fact i just want them to be my friend.
so i realize the things i hate people doing to me, i have done it to others too.
anyway, i don't know how, but i really like to say sorry.
so if you're still reading my blog,
sorry yanyi :(
i didnt realize that i've been avoiding u on purpose.
it just happens slowly, from small to big.
but its selfish and i regret it.
you're still my special friend!!
hope we can still talk like we use to :)

anyway,

two times i have fallen in love,
and two times i have failed,
with dire consequences in every OTHER aspect of my life.
Nonetheless i learnt alot.
not just in love, but lessons in life.

But now, im just going to be myself.
perhaps then i would be able to showcase my strengths
and get her to like me the way i like her... that is...
just as she is.
not a person putting on a mask.
i guess in a relationship,
putting on a mask is futile,
its useless because it breaks easily.
besides if she is the right one for me,
and im the right one for her,
then why the need to hide ourselves right?

16 nov 2010

2010-11-16T05:57:00.000-08:00

so i kinda talk to my mother today over dinner.
glad to know she's doing well in life.
she met somebody who appreciates her talent and is very cooperative.

This year, i met two major bad omen.
Omens that i never even dreamt of being so unlucky as to see.

I broke a mirror, a black cat FINALLY cut my path, and is a very very very long vertical cut.
i guess whats left is me accidentally walking under a ladder ._.

When i was born, my parents took me to see a fortune teller that is said to be very very zhun.
the person said i will go far, but when im 18, something really really bad happens.
then another fortune teller that my father help me consult also said smth along the lines of, "at 18 he will fail." blah blah
and then a few books also fortell my impending doom when im 18.
even some western style fortune telling also same thing.

my parents suspect that its my result.
for me, i dont care.
so it cant be my results.
i was afraid of something happening to my family.
but they say its something personal to me.
so maybe i will get majorly heartbroken?
but i dont even hav a girlfriend lol.
perhaps its betrayal of a friend?
possible.

doesnt matter actually.

so i told my mother about how i seem to forget my goals.
and how my dream is haunting me.

so here's wat i concluded that has happen to me recently.

I seem to have given up on my dream,
and seek comfort via other stuff.
and when i finally realize the pill is not giving me its effect anymore.
my dream haunted me.
when i finally shout to myself to stand up and to focus on the bigger picture.
i realize i have become like many other people myself.
i used to praise myself for not being like others in my way of thinking.
but without realizing it, i have actually skewer myself to think the same way because i gave up on my dream.
wha, i know i sound complicated, lol, but this is not for ppl to understand but for me to write down the feeling.
So now, im going to go back to being myself.
my real self this time.
i can finally safely say this is me.
i used to think its a mask.
but i realize its not.
what i have been wearing recently is the real mask.
So im going to be the real me.
im going to make alot of money,
im going to be focused on my goal.

thats what im supposed to do anyway,
all the fortune telling says that if i manage to get through my impending doom,
i will succeed, but high chance of me never being able to stand up.
but if i remain true to my goal, and focus only on my dream, i will get through.

yup.
a huge relief wash over me yesterday when i say that im not going to give up my dream.

this makes me realize how important dreams are to humans.

By hook or by crook, i will be rich.
and along my side will be people i trust,
and they will be the ones who were chosen and groom by me.

Edit:
remember how in my previous post i say that i donno which is the real me?
that the brave and hyper active front i put up last time was a fake?
that im supposed to be quiet blah blah?

yea, i realize when i was hyperactive and stuff, it isnt because i was putting up a front, but rather because i removed all my masks.
during those time, i fully embraced my dreams.

i guess thats what makes the difference.

15th nov 2010

2010-11-15T05:27:00.001-08:00

feeling better today :)

i even studied quite alot. and play alot as well, but its moderate.

somehow i have convinced myself that im capable of earning big bucks just like how i told everyone.

im going to become rich no matter what it takes, and then i will provide my family with a good life, especially my mother.

and for me?
i finally decided i wont give up my dream.
i wont ever achieve it, but it will always be a part of me.
not haunt me, but just there.

i will realize through those mediums.
even better i fund research to fulfill it like i planned.

14th NOV 2010

2010-11-14T02:17:00.000-08:00

I need help...
The pain im experiencing is growing.
Even my mother notice something wrong with me,
but i just smiled and said its her imagination...

My search for appeasement is still not fulfilling...

I need help, im in pain...

Its so painful that its driving me to wonder what life is like after death.

Edit:
U know, im contantly complaining that whoever think they know me well, doesnt.
and i keep getting reminded of the fact that my friends dont understand me.
and then i get reminded myself that its because i isolate myself too much, that i kept myself from them.

but... i have no choice...

nobody can understand me unless i tell them what the big deal is with me.
but i cant.
i can't just let this secret out, the price is too big, and the thing i get is not worth it, the only thing i get is a short relief and then the nightmare will follow...

i know im not the only one in this world with this pain.
but amongst the people i met and know, there is nobody else i know with the same problems.

Edit:

meh, i cried.
i know i cry more than most guys, but i really need it.
I cried this time knowing that im not doing a good job being a son.
i cant be that perfect son for her.
not just because of my secret but because i ve fail in everything so far.
i keep scolidng myself,
FUCK U yu hong, stop trying to find a way to run away and make amends.
but it just sucks knowing even more that im incapable of even trying.

she once told me how she feels disappointed in herself because she cant give me the perfect life and family.
i know what that feeling is. now at least.
seeing ur loved ones hurt and suffer because of u is a terrible feeling.
i wan to get rich, i wan her to live a good life.
i wan her to be proud of me.
sucks..
i dont care abt how im going to do in my a lvls anymore, im going to make amends.
By hook or by crook, i will make it far in life as promised.

13th nov 2010

2010-11-13T00:51:00.000-08:00

i think my a lvl officially screwed,
screwed meaning i cant get an A or B but just a pass.

but i guess to the teachers it will be," great job" for me.
but to me, im disappointed in my lack of self control.

For a few years, ever since i realize what i really want in life, i tried to pursue it.
i was distracted later, and when i came back, it was too late.
that was when i decided to take up drawing and lucid dreaming to hopefully achieve my dreams through a medium.
That be books, comics, or actual sleep dreaming.

Have u ever had those experience,
where u took a pill everytime u get a headache,
and then slowly, the pill doesnt work anymore,
and ur headache gets worse.

Today i realize that through all the constant searching and things i did to appease myself, its slowly begining to fail.
I dont think i can ever achieve my dreams, not in this life, but whatever im doing to calm myself down so far is slowly begining to lose its effect.
there is nothing stronger...

Lucid dreaming, comics, stories, all of these are the pills i have been taking.

haih... what should i do...

30th OCT 2010

2010-10-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

Im in trouble, not enough time to study...
i didnt really study much :(
keep playing dota...

but some good news in that my maths have tremendous improvement :D ever since i started doing my tys a week ago.
by tremendous, i mean really really really really really really tremendous.
near full marks on the mock exam woohoo!

yea, but my other subjects...
deep shit, i tried doing physics today, cmi, alot stuff forgot.

recently i can sort of control my dreams very easily now :D
and i enter lucidity very easily too.
maybe because ever since the last time that full control moment sort of trigger a switch.
but so far i have only been doing simple things in my dreams.
didnt attempt to conjure any images, coz it just doesnt seem right at that time xD

i did do a few stupid stuff here and there though, like, pressing and rolling an apple like a hard boiled egg so it becomes squishy, or making a cupboard out of a block of wood...

weird thing is my hands didnt appear to press or roll the apple, it just happens, which kinds of creeps me out, coz its like some sort of very old computer game...
but yea...

anyway, back to studying??

18th OCT 2010

2010-10-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Somehow, i think i should write all this down before i forget.

So i graduated from RV ._.
but what if i have to retain?

i've no idea...
If i retain, i need go through SPA, nafa test and NS check up...
I dont like to get my blood drawn again, so i wont wan to get retain...

So i realize there is a ton of crappy stuff on the net ._.
and its pretty hard to find what you're looking for.

Few years ago, when i was practicing lucid dreaming, i refer to a site, which happens to be the only site about lucid dreaming.

Now, after the movie or whatever shit,
alot of shitty sites appear about lucid dreaming, that is just plain nonsense.
i cant stand it...

that aside, some good news in that i have successfully attain full control of my dreams few days ago xD

For the past few years since i practiced lucid dreaming,
I have became incredibly fast at noticing im dreaming,
and often i would do things like pinch myself, or look in the mirror or read text, etc.
it became a habit, (which again is the steps to attaining lucidity)
but everytime i finish checking, im always on the verge of waking up.
and the highest control i have attain is changing the scenery for 0.1 sec (time cant be counted in dreams, but it was really really short)

but few days ago, i attain lucidity ( consciousness in dreams) very very soon.
what happen was i didnt wake up !!!
I was SOOOOO DAMN HAPPY XD
that i made my dream's background music play Mika's song (Love Today)
it was so funny xD
then i tried to work towards my ultimate dream.
well, sad to say, it half-work.
Perhaps its my artistic ability being too lousy or smth.
but the image i conjured looks very fake.
not perfect enough.
and some parts were really hard to change.

so then i tried to close my eyes to make them better.
which is a mistake...
coz when u close ur eyes in ur dream, u either wake up or change the dream.
so my dream changed to my room, and i thought i woke up =.=
but of course i was still asleep, and i knew that ._.
(lucidity allows u to know the difference between dreams and reality, its just like a switch)

so... seeing the hard image i conjured gone to waste and that i still got stuff to do in real life (homework)
i decided to off my dream (literally) and try again next time.
so i wake up and went off to do my stuff (which ended being playing the computer =.=).

what saddens me is that i didnt get to repeat the same level of control in my dreams for the next few times i try.

it seems like the more i intent to do it, the more impossible it becomes.
i remember when i entered that level of control it was sort of accidental.

So, i tried to go online and find a few tips on improving my control.
but all the sites i find were either fake or really crappy.
i cant remember the old, good, proper site ._.

anyway, just to share a misconceptions about dreams.
-- you CAN feel pain in dreams.
you know how the saying goes, "pinch me, i think im dreaming."
well, it doesnt work, u can still feel the pinch though it might feel different sometimes.
the same goes for any physical feeling.

anyway, when ppl say they know they are dreaming when they sleep, and say they are lucid dreamers, i say bull shit =.=
its different really.
its hard to explain, but its different.
if u tell me it happen to u once or twice in ur life, i'll believe.
but if u tell me it always happen, then sorry, thats not lucid dreaming.
even the best lucid dreamer have normal dreams from time to time, not always lucid, plus, they practice alot.

most ppl dream and know they dream. but lucid dreaming is on a whole different level.
it allows u to move and do things u want. like playing god. it wont appear like a story flow.

Bah, anyway...
this isnt suppose to be a rant on how ppl are so cocky xD
i wanted to write some important stuff. xD

yea, so i receive my SEL report and stuff.
i was sad to see my responsibilty and stuff all recorded as below average.
my heart was cursing those responsible,
and this phrase appear alot.
"they don't know me at all."

so then on the mrt when a friend told me how little his remarks were and how somebody has alot,
i said to him,
"people who have alot of remarks is because they are open. when u close urself, ppl know less about u and hence less stuff to say abt u."

my year 3 and 4 remark was incredibly long, because i was way too open ._.
but my year 5 and 6 was like one liners =.=

i sometimes blame ppl for not understanding me, when in reality i have actually isolated myself. No wonder they dont understand, i didnt give them a chance ._.

the SEL report shows me based on evidence.
it doesnt care whether my heart was pure gold or not.
if im really that good, it would show naturally.

i guess im just not good enough ._.

if im really good, it would show.
In reality, im just too arrogant for my own good.

so, though i said this before, but this time i wan to remind myself.
dont comfort urself by saying ppl dont know how good u r.
if u r really good, they would naturally know.
just like how the main character's efforts in movies always bear fruit.

2nd oct 2010

2010-10-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

pathetic...

just pathetic...

im in such a bad mood that i went outside to try and splurge.

i bought so many food,
and on the way home, when ppl stare at me for the amount of food im holding,
i just thought," heh, screw u guys, i'll do what i want for today, hmph."

i wanted to eat as much as possible to make myself feel better.

but in the end, because of my small belly, i only ate 20% of what i bought...

sheesh...
cant even make me vent my anger...

29th sept 2010

2010-09-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

i look at my friend,
he is good friends with a girl.
I pity him.

I look at myself,
same situation.
Man, i suck.

my prelims as usual flunk.

i got back my physics paper 1.
19 out of 40... (fail) (but i got all the top 10 hard questions right :), no guessing de hoh!)
i redo the paper without even looking at the answer once.
36 out of 40... (OMFG)

WTF..

im so freaking careless...
I think i maybe like what ms tan ying ling says in that im too use to being careless.
i wan to kick this habit :(

other paper, no need say la, also badly done.

whats funny is, my maths paper 1 marks is twice of my midyears.
but its still a failing grade.
GET IT???
this is how badly im doing.

26th sept 2010

2010-09-26T06:02:00.001-07:00

I'm sad,
it can never be the same again.
i ask myself, will i feel the same again?
i cant think.

i wan to be that somebody~
i wan to sing to u~
play my guitar infront of u~
heck, i just wan u to be happy around me as im happy beside u.

ah, who am i kidding,
i'll nvr be that special guy lol.

but until then,
i hope we can be great friends.
but even this seems hard now.

edit:
just saw andy play guitar.
it was beautiful *_*
he looks so much like a ruffian,
but as he plays the guitar he seems so gentle.
wish im like him, able to play a song for that special someone,
and let her know, that she means so much to me.

25th sept 2010

2010-09-25T06:12:00.001-07:00

i hope this continues into smth good.

whatever the case, i suddenly feel confident in getting a few As for a lvls lol.

24th Sept 2010

2010-09-24T07:19:00.001-07:00

So i was copying some reading stuff into my iphone (ahem, i mean my mother's)

when i just glance abit at what i copied.

I was shock and sad :(

the main character forsake her body for some minor character...

T__________T WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

man i feel so crushed right now...

i hope she gets it back ._.

So i was listening to akon's playlist.

it played mr lonely.
i watch the mv..
man...
I'm so freaking lonely...

13th sept 2010

2010-09-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hello...
Didnt blog for awhile because i actually wanted to post smth along with my post.
but it didnt turn out that well, so i scrap it.

didnt study much, though i realize an improvement in my ability to think due to the medicine im taking and the fish im eating ^^

yes i didnt study much, i just started phy last evening...

but i realize most concept i have no prob liao, due to mr quek helping me with super pose and wave.

quantum i guess its okay too

lasers i just hope i dont rmb wrong stuff

nuclear is still abit puzzled.
but i'll see what i can cough.

chem got improvement.
maths cleared doubts.
econs havent touched ):

anyway, recently im getting better.
the prob in my family might finally be resolved.
my sister is becoming more mature coz she started working and is more confident in herself (she became more slim too)
my father apologized to me and my sister for what he has done.
my mother is still herself.

right now i still havent tell me father anything and im still avoiding him abit but i try to smile when he's around though i still keep quiet.
i consulted my sister on my music.

i yelled at my mother recently coz im in a bad mood. (pms?? lol)
but i apologize with tea afterwards.
she was happy for a few days i guess xD

im growing fat too ._.

anyway, what i wanted to do along with this post was to show u all what i was up to during the week.
playing my guitar.
but i realize my guitar skills was a definite lousy.
so im still working on it.

hopefully by the end of the year i can perform a song for somebody.

im going to list what i wan to do after A lvls here too.
1)akido
2)wushu
3)dance
4)electric guitar
5)work to buy PS3, FF13 and a new electric guitar

yup.
i'm also planning to plan a dance to perform for ppl during chalets and stuff to make things more lively. guitar too hard to bring :X

And i wan to say that some friends are real friends xD
i hope u are doing well, since u say that in ur blog, i hope its true lol.

and to another person (who most likely wont get to read this but anyway)
hey, i miss talking to u :X hope we can be together like last time.
I hope this time we wont stray away from each other, but last forever (:

good luck to me

28aug2010

2010-08-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

I find myself actively looking for u unintentionally.
I said i gave up.
Guess somewhere inside me,
i still wan to be beside u,
at least as a great friend or maybe somebody u can depend on.
i sure hope u talked about me.
haha.

today, my sister brought up stuff abt going to taiwan.
with my father.

so i remembered my trip with him alone.
i wouldn't say its lots of fun.
i heard some stuff he said that i didnt like too,
coz its totally one-sided.
he said bad stuff abt my mother.
not really bad, but sort of a "she deserve it" kind of way.
He brought me to a red-light district too xD
We also accidentally went up to a place full of anime and hentai (mature content)
of course when he realize he quickly brought me out of that place.
but it was pretty cool there, alot of figurines (not hentai)and DVD and games.
as a fan of anime and artist of that genre, i wish to visit that place again.

when visiting the red-light district, he just knew im mature enough to handle such stuff, so we just ignore the shops selling sex toys xD

so conclusion?
it wasn't an ideal father-son vacation event.
but...
its heartwarming.

Its events like this that made me miss the old him.
When coming back to singapore,
my toothaches and i got a fever while the plane is landing (air sickness)
he took care of me, comforted me, provided me warmth.
just like when i was really really young,
when i was on a cold bus trip home.

I remembered, i keep holding his hand xD
i couldn't let go.

haih...

teacher's day is coming.
lots of teachers i want to say thank you.
some see the change in me, some disappointed in me.
all helped me.

i commit to do my best for this period of hardwork.

i see ppl who are like me, already up ahead with their studies.
I need to strive harder.

No more DOTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
... one hr a day ? :)

28 aug 2010

2010-08-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

._. i didnt sleep again... because i play dota and psp.
i didnt study for a day,
and now i feel like sleeping,
means another day gonna be wasted.

prelims is near, im no where ready.

the medicine im taking is helping,
but i think because of my playfulness,
its going to go wasted again.

my father is changing, im glad.
But i still cant change for him.
the wound needs time to heal.

I wish my family will be back together again soon.

But for now, prelims and A's.

Actually i just want to say thanks to all my friends,
or those who made comments,
whether sensitive or insenitive xD

This isnt the first time this kind of thing happens.
and my tag board is filled with these types of comments.

Makes me feel like im some kind of sissy ._.
haih.

To those of u who think that my life's problem is nothing.
I guess u're living in a very good life.
treasure it.

To a few ppl who said they are behind me and tagged on my board,
I know their life isn't doing well.
I use to compare my problems to theirs and i feel mine is nothing much,
so i hesitate to talk about them.
But i guess mine isnt something minor either.
So i guess it takes one to know one.
Good luck >_<

2010-08-26T09:05:00.001-07:00

Reading other ppl's blog,
i think they are not doing so well either, since they supported me, i hope i can support them too.
best of luck.

25 aug 2010

2010-08-26T06:56:00.000-07:00

:/ studying isnt effective.
not that i didnt, i did, but it seems like nth is going in. not like i stone or anything, it just comes to a point where i forget everything the minute i start doing prelim papers.

I continue to live a lonely live recently ._.
I guess it makes me more determined.
but at the same time,
i hate going to school.

theres nothing i can smile at there. i smile at home, i smile on the bus, i smile in school,
and then in class ---> ._.

bored and restless.

perhaps its ppl treating me like glass.
scared i would break and is transparent.

Im literally in a corner of the class. Stoning.

class activities, bah, i feel that the more i stray away from everybody, the more i feel i shouldnt care.

Somebody knew too much, more than they need.
I dont like it.
Coz he/she only know.
whether its really know or not, doesnt matter, he/she knows more than needed, and its just adding to his/her happiness that he/she knows more.

Its not, "hey, i know, im gonna do something."
nope, its,"haha, i know more."
thats all.

Im not really sad or angry abt this, coz i know that person is like that.
but, it just makes me feel really piss, coz i did not want that person to know.

haha, its funny speaking like this, so weird.

but nonetheless, school life's a bitch.

Currently im suffering from fatigue.
not tireness or sleepyness.
fatigue.
means long term accumulated tireness.
its gone serious.
Seeing a doc currently.

i'll get better of course, its easily treated.
just need time.

So not sleeping is like using a credit card.
Play now, pay later.
im paying like hell...

I deserve it of course, who ask me not to sleep properly.
ouch, now my head hurts, can't cont to use com...

21 aug 2010

2010-08-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

I panic.
I feel what the teachers wanted me to feel.

This whole week, my thoughts were, "shit, i don't have time for this."
it just keeps coming up.

I really squeeze every single min i can to study.
but...
i studied, i failed.

Friday got a chem test that i wanted to do well in.
I studied, i go through tutorials, i check the learning objective, etc.

failed.

I can't recall anything.
coupled with the fact that im dead sleepy all the time due to having only 2 hr sleep a day for a week.

When i study, things enters, i understand, but the minute i switch topic, all drifted away.
during exam, its either i cant recall or recall too slowly.

when doing prelim papers, 90% of the time im guessing.

zzz

16 aug 2010

2010-08-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

If I can get through this, I will succeed having know failure and the taste of success.

5th aug 2010

2010-08-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

its been four days since what happen on 1st aug.

I'm not doing so well ._.

Apart from the fact that im constantly tired, im depress and i have not been doing any homework.

that day when i cried, i went out to Kbox with acer and mjh.
its was planned a week ago.

anyway i took that chance to cheer myself up.
i guess it did helped a little bit, coz having friends is good.

but after that, when i went home, i again bury myself in the useless games, comics and stories.
im too wrecked to sleep.
which is why im so tired for these few days.
When is the last time i smiled because im happy?

but thinking back, why was i so sad?
i guess its just because i miss the old times, when my family was still a family.
Where my house is not just a shelter, but home.
Where my dining room has a table.

but i have to moved on.
But how?
I'm still shackled.

Everytime i thought i have moved on, it turns out i didnt, it always link back to my family.

Until the day i solve this problem it will continue to haunt me.
When will i have the courage to face it? Will i have the capabilities to solve it then?

Man... i wish i dont have my dream.
I wish i was already living my dream.
it would make dealing with such things easier.

Mr quek asked my again via sms on monday.
" yuhong, are u okay? u look very tired and restless today."

This time, i replied," im facing a few problems but i will get through." with a smiley.

Its half true.
I am facing a few problems, but getting through it... im not so sure, and that smiley was just to make him less worried.

I know its something i have to conquer myself, all i can get is support.
However, i keep refusing to get help, because i feel that my problem is a lousy problem.
its affecting me alot, but i think to other ppl, they will just think im too weak.

maybe i should write a letter to him.

With the words said by the Principal and Vice-principal,
I feel like im a lost cause for the A lvls.
Im already giving up, i really need help.

I always thought that if without school, i will make it big.
Who am i kidding?
Its all just an excuse.
I know there are ways to cheat around the money system, but i can't see it.
I used to be able to roughly see it,
but with time and all this practical ideology of singaporeans and our education system,
im begining to be brainwashed into going the "safer" path.
Jun wen asked me, okay, what EXACTly are u going to do if u quit school?
I can't answer, i lack the knowledge.
Last time i lack the knowledge, but im still confident.
This time i lack the confidence too,
I don't think i will be able to research the stuff needed to make it big, i lack the focus and determination.

Im the stupidest person in the class right now, both academic and wisdom wise.
How do i know?
Results, i no need say la, evident.
dealing with life problems?
all my suggestions were useless, not applicable.
I can't even think of new ideas.
Its like im just plain stupid :/

I need help, but in what areas?
What is it exactly i need help in?
haih...

Currently, i can't dance, i can't study, i can't draw, i can't make money, i can't even speak up infront of people, i can't bowl, i can't fight, i can't run fast.

zzzzz,
This time i cant say that im not moving, and ppl improving.
All i can say is, i'm deproving and ppl are improving.

I'm like shit, an emotional wreck.

Recently, i sort of go off on my own.
No friends and stuff.
Its evident that im avoiding them instead of the other way round.
Cause i feel that im not worthy to have them as friends...
i feel that my character, attitude and knowledge is too bad.
im not kidding here.
im not a very good person.
(im not saying all this because i feel inferior, but cause its evident)
My friends don't complain, but i can see what im doing is worthy of a slap.
so i kept quiet, really really quiet these few days.
i went home straight after school.
Another reason i stray away is because they are all playing cards.
All going yew tee or where-ever for cards.
i refuse to enter that trend/hobby so i have nothing in common to talk about.
i almost got into another fight with my friend too because he frame me of something.

I really wish to achieve at least my secondary dream, to make fantasies real.
I wish i can just sleep, sleep and sleep for very long without waking up at all.
all to just live in fantasy.

Waking up to reality is a nightmare.

1st august 2010

2010-08-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

So something bad happen today that cause me to have to blog or at least talk about my feelings...

but first lets talk about how i've been doing lately.

recently, i have been trying to get myself to study but every attempt ended in failure.
looking at ppl around me, they have been working hard...

Lately i keep looking down on myself, i keep asking, "why am i not moving?"
other ppl around me have grown up, know their responsibilities and priorities...
seriously, even though those who never seem to grow up has shown that they have self-discipline.

Some people state that i lack self-discipline.
At first i denied. Because i only inject discipline to something i deem worthy.
thats why i never exert self-discipline on studying.

but today, i reallize thats not true.
Today, i cried, really hard.
Its been so long.
maybe some of u may think that im a wuss for crying, but to me, tears flow easily despite me knowing what's wrong.
why?
because i have been constantly living under depression.
thats why that time when i became stronger in mind it was only a matter of time before that ghost came back, even stronger.
of course the time i take to stand back up is speeding up.
But i have never been really happy for a long time.
its always just peace, for a while.

So what happen today?
I was reading a story when i suddenly hear my sister and father quarreling.
soon it became shouting.
and its so loud that i cant help but listen to what they say.
My father didnt change, not a single bit.
suddenly i just felt really sad.
Not, just for my sister, but for my family.
It wasnt like this before.

Everytime i go to my friend's house, met their parents, played for awhile, i leave with a hint of envy and feeling very pathetic about my own family.

I realize all my troubles till now has sprouted from one person.
ALL of my troubles can link back to him.
i'm serious when i say all.
the reason why i seek love, the reason why i escape to games (even though its not a fun game at all), reason why i lack self-discipline.
Its all because of that one guy.
My father.

During the time he changed, i became cca leader of two ccas.
wushu and bowling.
i was a failure in leading wushu.
i was shy, afraid to take on challenges, afraid my jiao lian will be disappointed in me.
but because i worried so much, i didnt behave like myself, and in turn disappointed him.
When i became the cca leader of bowling, it was a challenge i wanted to take, to confirm that i can lead.
Ultimately, i did lead well.
but if i think about it properly, all i did was just the opposite of what i did in wushu, so of course it turn out well.
It wasn't because of my leadership skills, but rather just an image i created.
base on my past mistakes, i made an image.
well, maybe u can say this is "learning from mistake" so its not really fake, but rather i have learnt from my mistakes in wushu and lead well in bowling.
But if thats the case then like somebody said, i should possess natural self-discipline in all aspects of life.
i don't.

hmmm, actually i think i do, but at this moment in time, i choose not to do the right thing.
i choose to escape.

i guess it helps in writing down stuff.
so, i guess its not that i lack something, but my own heart choosing to not do so.

i really wanted to tell my father something today before he leave.
i wanted to tell him to think about what he said today.
but i lack the courage.
i'm still not strong enough.
I wasn't involve in the arguement but listening to it made me cry.

To my dad:
Dad,
We know that u care about us, that u feel responsible for our welfare.
but health comes in two aspects. mentally and physically.
u may have taken care of our health physically,
but u have hurt every single person in this family.
the wound u inflicted is huge, painful, and is not healing at all.
this family was brought up by u, led by u, yet u are the one who wreck it.
Was it us who abandon u? or u who abandon us? I think its the latter.
-end-

i thought of this alot of times: Would i cry when he die?

Mr quek ask me if anythings wrong, that im the kind of person to keep all my problems inside thinking i can sovle them.
i nvr realize or rather i nvr admit that i have a problem.
my teachers all ask the same thing,"yu hong? what's wrong? is there something u wan to tell us?"
i always shake my head," nope, im fine."

I'm not...
i dont know why, but as i type all this, my tears are coming out again...
I don't think my problem is big... haha, who am i kidding...

but a friend of mine said mine is nothing...

idk...
is it because im weak? or is my problem really that serious?

I need help, but its hard to describe whats wrong with me, i lack the vocab...
its something u have to experience urself...

its been more than 6 years since my family is together. (shit, why am i crying again...)

oh yea, today i also realize why i wanted to achieve my dream so badly...
and again its my father again...
i never told anyone my dream be4,
firstly because the consequences is huge.
secondly, its impossible to achieve anyway.
but i guess when the time comes that i have to speak to this person about my problems, i can freely tell him what it is that i wanted to be, and why.

Key events in my life, made me have that dream.

Here's one of the events.
When i was young, my sister watch alot of tv, whereas i read alot.
well, i dont understand the tv so i dont watch it much...
my sister was really infleunce by the tv.

one day, a cd got stuck in the dvd player.
our family dont believe my sister.
i didnt too, coz it just seems sooooo impossible that u pop a disc in to the player, and when u open again, its gone.

so my sister started quarreling with my parents saying how they dont believe her.
she also started reciting a few lines from a drama series =.= ( im serious when i said this)
saying how she was treated unfairly because of me.
i dont see it, till this day, we have been equal.
though she may have been scolded more, because she is schooling, whereas im not.
because of that, she often sees my parents frustrated faces from teaching her simple maths.
so naturally she thinks she is badly treated.
for me, i just helped out in housework and receive praises. but at the same time i got scolded alot alot too.
there wasnt really unfair treatment. My parents made sure of that.

After what happen. there is a sudden change.
my sister sees smiles, whereas i see scowls.
since my parents cant made my sister see that we are being treated equally, they purposely treat me a little harshly to highlight the difference.
when i talk to my parents, they immediately put on a angry face.

It sucks.

I was being treated unfairly this time for sure.
but i hate what my sister did.
i dont wan to be like her.
reciting stupid lines from a drama series??
acting like some cinderella?

hell no...
so i kept quiet, which made me more thoughtful and mature in my actions and toleration. so i guess i have to thank her.

its different now though.
my mother, treats me better.
why? coz my sister is still the same.
i was the more mature one compared to my sister.
thats why my mother listened to me properly rather than my sister who only complains about stuff like a 7 year-old.
i have to endure her complains, her pickiness of food, have to take care of her. do this do that.
all things that an elder brother would do =.=
made her food, scold her when she did smth wrong, warn her what is dangerous.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
seriously...
i wasnt doted on for very long...
i longed for it.

thats why the few times i was in depression last year, when my mother hug me and comfort me, i always cry.

theres still many more events, like how my maternal grandmother hear stuff from my father (one-sided) and treated me like im a vermin. whereas again my sister is the more well treated one. and how my whole family treat me because of my sister.

my sister holds the tittle," elder".
so whatever i do, ppl thinks she is better at it, even though she does not.
ppl think she can cook, can clean, but she cant. she admits it herself.
i can do all those, but they never once praise or ask me whether i can do it or not...

i know some of u may think im bullshitting praises about myself.
but thats how it is.
no matter how bad i was treated in my family, i kept quiet.
maybe thats why i always let my emotions out in school.
those of u who say i always let my emotions show.
dont say that u know me.
u only know my school life.
never my life in my house.
thats why i hate it when ppl say they know me.
yea right...
did u see how i have to endure a punch from my sister just so she wont do something wrong?
did u see how i have to worry over my mother's company's problems?
nope.
all u see is yu hong in school, always joking around, not doing homework, sleep alot, when unhappy will show.
thats because i really just wan to feel like a child in school.
i was a child in my family a long time ago.
but i didnt grow up as a child in my family.
i have to become an adult since young in my family...
Thats why...
just let me be myself in school... i beg u guys...

11 june 2010

2010-06-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

Had a nightmare about exams...

Here's what happened.
woke up to realize that its exam day.

so went to school to take exam.
Physics paper.

when finish, about to go home and chiong study, when my friends ask me why i leaving.
then they say the school changed timetable liao, today not just physics, got maths and chem exam also...

@_@

just realize my maths really behind, way way way behind...

physics catch up liao, just need memorize definition.
chem still got organic that i dont dare touch.
econs im totally clueless.

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21st May 2010

2010-05-21T08:45:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday to me (:

Didn't go school in the end even though i wanted to.
But nvm.
Woken up by a call from calvin telling me to go seoul garden :D

haha, thanks bro.
though it wasnt very interactive but hey, best present ever :D

haha, sets me thinking about a few people.
I sure miss talking with some people.
hmm, let me count.
1, 2, 3, 4.

haha
2 of them i cared so much for, maybe abit too much xD
none returned ._.
i wasnt expecting any returns.
but i was kind of expecting something more u know :X

haha nvm, nothing can beat me down now.
I really have no idea why.
ever since that day, after that fever.
My emotions is always this >> :)
maybe that fever was due to a heartbreak.
that induced my body to protect itself and break the nerve of feeling sad ._.

haha, nvm, its good that it happens.
I wouldn't say that im totally invulnerable to sadness.
coz i do feel them occasionally, just a tingly bit.
but everytime it happens, i can whisp them away~~~~

just like that.
i just sing a tune in my head and my troubles gone.

:D I really like my new mental strength xD
hmm, of course there is some danger.
there is a fine line between not being affected and not caring at all.
I dont wan to be affected, but that doesnt mean i dont wan to care.
I still wan to care for the ppl around me :D
and people who is unreasonable and makes me feel angry and piss off, FUCK YOU. and thats all.
I'm not affected ._.

oh yea today as i was walking towards the interchange, i suddenly look forward.
and i saw a couple of dragonflies.
and i was like...
hey...
i never knew they were so near me ._.

suddenly my whole perspective changed.
i realize i have been overlooking alot of things around me.
beautiful things i have overlooked.
and i realize i have not been really appreciating the people around me ._.
why?
coz i was always in thought.

YUP, my msn nick says, Conversion of a pessimist.
Its refering to me.
I'm changing job!
I'm going to be a optimist.
and today i am (:
not the hyper active one, just the "hey, life's cool" type XD

haha, oh yea, today i tried using my left eye (which is weaker) more.
and i realize i can distinguish depth really well.
okay, i cant say really well, but its a definite improvement, since my vision has always been near 2D xD

its cool, i suddenly feel like im Megaman or smth @v@
haha.

15th May 2010

2010-05-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

Bored...

The reason why my posts are mostly emo and rarely happy stuff is because i only write here when im emo ._.

buuuuttt.. anyway...

._.
:X

O E O A A TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG

14th May 2010

2010-05-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

I realize i have been taking things really well recently.

Somehow, I just cant get upset anymore ever since i got that fever xD

haha, thats good, though i feel this sourness in my heart sometimes...
but at the same time, i was smiling.

Maybe im just really glad u didnt do anything to me (:
Or maybe its because i see you're doing well
Then again, u dont seem to be doing well, and is experiencing the same thing i experienced.
So maybe i feel evil xD

Donno la, i just realize i dont get upset easily anymore.
Today i was at the brink of it, coz i suddenly feel that ppl are slowly hating me.
then dno why i just said, Heck la.
then start humming a tune xD

O E O AH AH TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG!

10th may 2010

2010-05-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

danger danger danger!!!

I'm losing it again slowly!!!

must get back on to the studying track!!!

I just restarted drawingg (again.. how many times le...)

and wow.. its been almost half a year since i put pencil to paper...
and wow again... my drawings looks like smth froma 5 year old kid...
die le die le...

HELP!!!

oh haha, and my dancing progress is slow because i dont have the space ): how... die le die le...
Does anybody wan to combine money and rent a studio or smth to practice dancing once per week or smth.. :X?

28th april 2010

2010-04-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

HAHA, I'll change what my friend said.

When you're angry or sad,
take a look around,
THERE ARE REALLY PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!
at least in my social circle, coz I CARE!!!!
lol

yea, i wouldn't talk about the extreme cases,

but there are friends, teachers and coach who are real human.

(:

Coach helped me today,
he said alot,
and alot strike me deep.

I WAS stress out.
i denied it,
but its true.
I was stress out not because of my status as captain but in my performance.

Anyway, he told me to be confident in myself.
I AM a good bowler,
who said i'm not?
I got the highest score achieved in my cca.
I got the highest achieved average of 3 games once.
Hey, I CAN bowl!!!

yea, i almost cry again when he said,
Welcome home.

I found back what i lost.
not entirely, but parts of it.
But thats enough to make me feel that I can do it.

And THATS the mental game im suppose to conquer.
its not about being controlling of your body.
its about believing u can do it, and do it!!!

haha, and the friends who showed care, with sms and tags etc.
wow...
thanks guys...
\( >3< )/

mrs wong even talk to me about being stress, and she was kind enough to let me talk abit instead of assuming i was too stress because of me being captain (:

My friend that told me that i have too high an expectation for myself which results in my constantly being inconfident because i keep "failing".
MAKES ALOT OF SENSE!!!!
WOW WOW WOW

haha, that really explains quite alot ^^
thanks (:
though u dont read this.
I HOPE U DONT!!! lol

learn about cyber protection today LOL.
Garyim once lecture me about my facebook account revealing too much XD
i guess i'm a nooby in the net LOL!!!!

ECONS TEST TML
GO GO GO!!!!

27th april 2010

2010-04-27T02:36:00.000-07:00

I failed as a guy...

A friend told me that when life is bad, take a look around, because there are others who are taking life harder than me.

Well, first of all, i dont care about them, cause if i do, there'll be not enough care for those who care about me.
secondly, i think it makes me more depress knowing that there are other ppl with bad life.

Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to be me?

I'm a guy, im not suppose to be emotional.
I'm a leader, im not suppose to be emotional too.

But... just for today... please...

let me cry.

I once got angry infront of my members in wushu, i failed them. and they failed along with me.

This time, i'm determine to not show any signs of weakness.
Its hard u know?
When the coach says, we're happy about ur results today.
I have to contain myself.
I have to smile and get ready to speak to the rest.

Which i did, and when its time to leave, i hurried away...
I cried while waiting for the shuttle bus.
until jun wen came to pass me my ez link card. then i have to stop and put up another stupid brave front.
but tears are hard to hold back once flowed...
i never really cried in the end.
coz i'm a guy.

but deep in my heart, i want to cry freely really badly...

Today, i just realize...
Hardwork doesnt guarentee results.
i wasted so much money, so much time, so much devotion.
and i have to screw it up on the fact that my body is a stupid lump of muscle.

Things will get worse...
i know...
Im supposed to face my life obstacle at age of 18 which is coming soon.
and yet i faced this drawback before my 18th birthday.
what does this mean?
the obstacle is far worse.

I give up being a guy...
I suck at sports,
I suck at containing my emotions,
I suck at flirting (someone pointed this out)
I suck at basically everything.
I.E I suck.

Everybody thinks im stress and pressurise.
but i'm not, im just trying to psycho my pathetic body to do the right thing.
and the teacher's "encouragement" was adding to my frustration.
I'm glad she cares, but the more she cares, the more obvious how lousy i am.

I give up man...
fuck it, screw it, whatever...

I cried realizing that my hardwork did not pay off,
and i cried realizing that the time i used on it could have been for other stuff.
I cried because i lose sight of my goal.
I cried because i'm way too far from my secret, which is now completely utterly unattainable for me.
I cried because someone gave me the cold shoulders for a week.
I cried because i lose a friend.
I cried because i cant tell me mother whats happening in my life.
I cried because i'm sick of being a guy.

But why...
do i not feel like dieing...

Last time when i was depress, the thought of suicide was appealing, very appealing, its like the ultimate cheesecake which can bring peace and happiness.

This time... im not feeling it.

I want to be with that somebody,
I want to do well in my studies,
I want to feel the freedom of flying again,
I want to draw well,
I want to learn akido again,
I want to see u laugh again,
I want to make that 30 billion dollar,
I want to again, be able to be confident of what i'm saying,
I really want to be happy and contented.

who doesnt? for the last one.

But i think its these things that keep me from dieing.
But it doesnt help at all in my current state as i know i have not move towards them for these few years...

i really failed as a guy and as a human...

24th april 2010

2010-04-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

zzz, i guess i tried to hate u so much that i got what i wanted.

Its hard to face u now.

i cant speak without adding thorns.

help...

"When love turns to hate."

zzz, now i'm filled up with anger...
it took my a WHOLE DAY just to get my mind straight.
and U JUST HAVE TO TALK TO ME and make me angst again... great...
thank you so much.

23 april 2010

2010-04-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Its always like that...

I want to hate u enough so that whatever u do won't affect me and vice versa.

But its always when that happens, when u appear and make me rethink my decision.

I want to say stop it, but i can't bring myself to do it...

at least it is safe to say, u never failed in making me clam down...
really without fail...

The 6 best things in my life:
1) Sleeping
2) Dancing
3) Singing
4) Workouts
5) Drawing
6) Bowling

Haha, no space for studying.

22 april 2010

2010-04-22T06:32:00.000-07:00

Fuck it man,

I shouldnt have care about anything besides myself.

Yep, im piss. U made a fool of me.

There's only 6 things in my life i care about and it should have stayed at 6, not 7.

Leave me to rot =.=

For some reason, i tried to care.
and for that i got mocked by you.
Sometimes, i hate to be a guy...
At first i was so emo over what i've done yesterday.
but for now and for today, i think i felt hatred for you.

Happy now?
U made me hate you, maybe i will stop talking and caring about u then.

U r not going to affect my life anymore.
I'm going to live mine.

21st april 2010

2010-04-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Few days ago in class, i had nothing to do ._.

They guys were playing their beloved Yugioh card game,
the others are busy playing witht their homework ._.
Since i had nothing to do, i decided to just do some homework.

at first i just stared...
in the end i was able to do them O_O

last year, i had this mental block because my brain keep running away saying that because we didnt go school often, we cannot do.
and if i just try and do, i'll be able to, provided i read my notes.

This year, or more like recently, i have this mental block where i just stood there being blur...

i feel slow, i feel blur...
its like i cant process information anymore.

i know i can do it, i just cant think.

don't know why.
at least its getting better, im now at least able to suddenly feel a clearance in my head and the homework is completed.

its just scary... its like i'm turning stupid or something.

17th april 2010

2010-04-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

Does anybody have a formula to stop yourself from being jealous?

I don't know what to say about myself.
On one hand, im happy that somebody is doing well.
On the other, im jealous.

To me, jealousy is one of the most low down and nasty thoughts to have.

I don't wan to be jealous of others...
but neither do i wan to feel like i suck...

Anyway, i noticed im getting jealous easily recently...
today i got jealous again, and i told myself, no time to be jealous, i need to overtake that guy.
And i did in the end.

So for people who likes to be jealous often, tell yourself to strive harder and overtake instead of wishing that guy gets pulled down.

12th april 2010

2010-04-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

._.

Stop messing with my mind ><

i thought i have climb somewhere higher.
but without any landmarks i don't know.
just when i thought i seen one, it disappears.

boy, are girls complicated LOL.
i actually said that.
but who isnt complicated?

I have been practicing my dance moves, and i can say im improving (:

I wish that one day i can really just have someone i can say i love you to.
not because im bored or anything, but just to care for that special someone...
when will that be...

6th april 2010

2010-04-06T02:42:00.001-07:00

I met some nice ppl today on my way home.

sets me thinking,
hey, life isnt so bad after all.

i mastered the 3 step, yay!!!

and im practicing flare, but my butt hurts...

i still have homework to be done by tml...

5th april 2010

2010-04-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

.____________.

ouch...

i have nvr once been liked by any girl be4 i think ._.
which sets me thinking, doesnt that mean im like those other ppl ._.
but i have nvr seen myself as one of them...
i have better physique, and wits...
maybe im bragging, but at least i have friends around me as proof...

but still, the inescapable truth...

i may never ever be seen as a boyfriend material by any person.

Doesnt matter...
im sick of myself for always trying to seek another person's love.
be it friendship or BG relationship...
im like a begger, willing to do anything or always getting affected by it...

well, this stops today...
im no longer hoping for anything...
i will just cram my day with the things i loved...

2nd april 2010

2010-04-02T04:11:00.000-07:00

...
Just had a load of ppl in my house today...
but as i watch them play i suddenly feel a sense of loneliness...

I may have been surrounded by friends, which is nice :D

but i still feel distant...
not wanted by anybody ._.

Maybe everyone around me are just putting on smiles in front of me...

When will i find that person ._.
Will there even be that person?

People are moving ahead, but im still stuck...
Okay, im not stuck... im not moving at all...
And if i keep this up, soon everyone around me will be too far ahead of me.
i will really be alone then...

haih haih...
tml compt...
i feel disappointed that i cant have everyone there for the full time...
i guess my ideal scenario will nvr be achieved...

I want to be proud of my cca...

please please make me proud...
i cant be the only one giving it my all for the compt and seeing everyone else just doing their part half-heartedly...

I started dancing recently again...
if anything, it will help in my physique.
but i guess i just want to feel free...

13th feb 2010

2010-02-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Wow, im utterly disappointed in myself ._.
I actually commited the same mistake i accuse my friend of ._.

So i was reading so fast i actually miss out words..

oops...

Facepalm.

So yea...

I guess i can still put my solution into motion.

Ignore the bottom post please (:
i don't feel a need to delete it, because the accusations still holds true for some ppl, and i think it serves as a reminder.
though its put in a very harsh way.

so yea...
read too fast = misunderstanding.

13th feb 2010

2010-02-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

Wow, disappointment.
I'm so disappointed man.
some ppl just don't see their own faults.
To think i actually wanted to solve the situation by making me the bad person.
and before i even do it, the person actually ditch me.
lol?
well fine then.
MY PROBLEM WITH U IS THAT U PUT UR OWN MEANING INTO STUFF.
AND THERE U ARE AGAIN PROVING MY POINT.

great.

To think i was so upset about myself for causing u unhappiness.
Oops, wrong, u didn't said u were unhappy, u said u dont care.

So how now?

I wanted to apologize for hurting u and to explain.
but in the end u hurt me more.

U never care did u?
Even though i cared about u.
Some kind of a friend u are.
I'm so disappointed in u.

And the excuse u give?
hah, where did it come from?
Did it happen because i didnt look for u for help?
or is it the other way round? especially since u said u dont care.
So u dont care, well, then i cant approach u for help in my troubles.

oh, and u were part of my troubles.
and now, im considering if i should drop it.

u threw me away.
and i'm forced to be the one to walk away.

PS:
BTW, i explain what happen, u didnt believe =.= u CHOOSE to think that i am that kind of person, like i said, u put ur own meaning to stuff, not listening to the actual person involved...

11th feb 2010

2010-02-11T06:15:00.000-08:00

Back again...

Thanks to Dale Carnegie, my mood has been better.

On tuesday the day be4 my cca, i seriously began to worry, what should i do?

so i decided to look for help, in the place i often found them ._.

In books.

Anyway, this time when i read the book, instead of the usual inspiration and motivation i got from them.
i got, for the first time ever, a feeling of skeptism.
I dont believe what the author says ._.

On wednesday itself, before cca.
i was seriously beginning to worry.
so much so that my head starts hurting and my symptoms of pressure was appearing...

and i said," Oh, what the heck..." And tried out one of the things the book says...
And it WORKED!!!
not just because i feel a sense of relief for having to believe that smth work, but it really did clear my mind and i achieve a certain level of peace in my mind as the book said.

Best of all, i reach a solution.

Now, im going to have to execute the solution.
But how much confidence and guts can i draw out to do it.
I don't know and i don't care...
I just need to do it someway or another...

9th feb 2010

2010-02-09T03:34:00.001-08:00

when i dont feel like doing homework,
when i have free time,
when i feel down in life ._.

I write something here.
Don't really expect anyone to read this blog, with all the crappy designs and all.
but hopefully, by writing down my thoughts i can clear some away.

hmm...
So, what's making me down again?
Again, its because my emotions took over me and made me commit really really stupid mistakes...

Regrets...

So last week, during bowling,
To attain full relaxation, i tried to be serious...
Few weeks ago, i was bu shuang about the day, just because i named it Bu Shuang day, but of course i was still pretty calm and happy.
but during that day's training, i attain maximum relaxation in my arm only, which is perfect!!!
i learn a new technique, applied it with ease. And got a good average score of around 180. And thats only AVERAGE.

So i tried to do that last week...
well when i tried to do it, smth happen.
in the end i feel really down and crappy...
i didnt talk to anyone and stuff...

So all of them have been trying to figure out what's wrong with me...

Only one person knows the full story and i plan to keep it that way.

But what i can say out is that,

I feel distant...
and very much alone...

i also feel the lack of respect towards me...

Look at my team, three guys from the same primary school...
i feel like an outsider...

i played the joker role in the cca...

some even wanted to change captain...
I don't even know if she really meants it or not...

I seriously don't know what i'm suppose to be...

so anyway, on the same day i sort of took my emotions out on a friend...
of course ultimately, i have to be the one to say sorry, because i was the one who hurt her...
but still, some of the things i said to her was true...

so currently i have problems:
1) a friend got hurt because of me
2) a friend feels that i'm avoiding her and in turn avoids me
3) ppl thinks im getting mood swings
4) the cca dont recognize me

well, i can say that all these problems stems from me...

so i have two paths to go now...
One, to bring change but in turn losing trust.
or Two, to continue as it is, and make people take me seriously...

there is another way... but for now im too tired to execute the perfect solution...
haih...
so i guess i might be the first to quit bowling again, especially since i've been playful and might have hurt my arm in the process...

Can i be a good leader?
i'm starting to doubt myself...

feb 3 2010

2010-02-03T06:55:00.000-08:00

thats it... i quit...
i said i was tired of being a nice guy, always sensitive to people's feelings, but since when has any people EVER care about mine?

so today i flop out on a friend.
i gave up, i dont care if i hurt ur feelings, because it was my fault to begin with.
still, i feel guilty. IM SORRY OKAY? but still im emo and piss.

i feel betrayed.
so what u all see and hear is more important and more justified that what actually happen.
i explained, u dont believe.
i said nobody trust me, u prove my point.

okay okie dokie.. thats it, i give up.
i really quit.
im tired.
im so freaking tired of relationships.
im so freaking tired of putting up a smile.
im so freaking tired of trying to be the nice guy.
im so freaking tired of joking around trying to make someone happy.

FUCK MY LIFE.

30th November 2009

2009-11-29T09:29:00.001-08:00

Saaa...
haha...
I have been wanting to post, but cant seem to get myself started...
speaking of getting something done but cant get started, i should be arranging my stuff to use calvin's XP CD...
die le...

ever since the holiday started i havent been doing much...
after PW, i had one week of holiday before i start work...
but much of those days were spent on stoning in front of the computer... and reading.
so much so that i have been seperated from the social world...

anyway, since i had nothing better to do than to sit infront of the computer to read,
time just zoom past, and then it was time to work.

so my first day at the DVC camp was pretty chaotic at the start, since i had screw up the bus leader's job.
but the day was pretty much thats it.

the 2nd day there was fun, really really fun.
And i look forward to work there too.

and soon, working there became a very rewarding experience for me.
the pay became a bonus, not the incentive, which it was at first.

anyway everything ended for the first week, and today im gonna be working again on a new batch of students and with a partner that i hardly know.

I have lots to complain about my teacher. (many other ppl do too)
but i shant rant about her here, coz its a waste of my space and time.

anyway, i will be the one incharge for the next five days...
im abit lost actually...
even though the teacher's methods were wrong, but at least it was effective, and now i have to be the one in charge...
im not really sure if i can do it...
Bless me....
JIA YOU YU HONG!!!!!

yea anyway, i went to imm today to buy comics.
i realize ever since i got my pay i have no hesitation abt spending my money...
thats a bad thing...
anyway, i bought my comics and i was browsing through the others when i found another series that i had been looking for ^.^
haha, lucky~~
so i bought even more comics ._.

anyway,
on my way back home, i realize im pretty lonely...
how to say ah...
i feel the same way i felt at the start of the year.
like everybody is taking pity on me.
and that im lousy.

Yes, i have inferiority complex...
i dont really like myself at all...
i realize that i really don't like myself at all and thats why im always so inconfident, and i always think other ppl are better.
so i guess i have to love myself first,
but i can't.
The reason is a secret...
its the secret i have been hiding from everyone.
its the secret that makes me take up drawing as my goal.
its also the secret that cause me to be stuck.
its also the secret that i forsake halfway, only to come back and realize its too late to achieve it.
the secret isnt that strong to me now, but i guess its existence makes a huge difference in my life.

anyway, i realize im pretty pathetic.
zzzz
i wish i was my sec 3 self again...
even though i wasnt as strong as i was in sec 2,
at least i was shameless and confident.
of course that was just a mask,
but it work.

zzzz...
My primary school life was pretty blank.
i was alone so to speak.
always following a few best friends.
of course the boys in my class were pretty good friends with me,
but i realize i didnt cherish that relationships at all.
everyone had something to say about their primary school.
but me?
i had nothing.
Except that fight i had, but that was outside school lol...
i didnt attend my cca well either.
but anyway, i realize i havent been really living my childhood.

and maybe thats why im still so childish right now.
compared to the others at my age, im still a few years younger in mind.
i thought i was the person with the most experience,
but, so what if i had those experience?
i may have learn many things, but im not growing up.

i know alot of stuff etc etc, how to deal with life and all that, how to deal with ppl and all that....
but i just know only, not doing anything.

haha, im just like my father...
everytime.... this happens, i thought i'm way smarter, but in the end, im still the same as him...
useless...

but anyway, i realize if i know so much, yet im doing nothing, it only means one thing.
I dont have enough determination to change.
all this while, im just a person full of hot air.
so how then can i get this determination?
I seek changes, but im currently in my comfort zone.
how do i move out of my comfort zone?
how do i get enough determination to do that?

I have to look for the answer...
i know it will come to me one day,
but if it arrives earlier, it would be better.

Retribution for me is very obvious,
thats not a simple statement.

i don't know why, but i can see things i did in the past happening to me.
its always very obvious.
so perhaps, i should start doing nice things on purpose xD
haha, again my heart says that it is despicable to have a motive when doing something good.
But i guess its better than doing bad things or nothing at all.
(my mother told me that)

i have to change man...

7 nov 09

2009-11-07T05:55:00.000-08:00

yawn...
Man, im tired...
ever since i went to school on thursday, i felt like a huge weight have been lifted form my shoulders...
So here's the truth, i have been running away from PW xD
hmm, looking back at it, i have no idea why i running away from it ._.
maybe i was afriad of commiting mistakes.
but the purpose of going to school is to correct them.
so if i dont have any, then its really stupid.
so its expected to have mistakes.
yea..
so i finally went..
turn out okay,
pleasant day and all, even though there was a few last minute probs with my script, but my group mates helped me through it (: (thank you <33)
after that, i got home and felt really tired....
and finally sleep well (:

before that, i have been staying awake all night, afraid of going to pw...
again, i choose something to run away from,
i played psp, i read stories, etc etc.
basically, i got "addicted" to them, because it makes me feel better.
but i was lacking sleep and all...
basically... depress ._.
as much as i hate to admit it, yes, i was in depression again...
choosing to end my life so that i wont have all the problems..
anyway, now that its lifted,
i have been feeling tired at the right time to sleep (:
and these few days i have been having pleasant dreams xD
except for the one in which i dreamt i got slash in the stomach because my shirt was too short in real life.

haha...
anyway, the purpose of this post is once again, to make my holiday plans known.
though till now, none of them have succeeded...
but i thought i start early XD

For this holiday, i wan to achieve the following :
1) get back my physical
basically, i wan to be able to do a ce kong fan by end of this year.
oh yea, im also back into break dancing...
and this time, im gonna watch my joints xD and prepare adequately

2) Healthy diet
YES, im determined to set things right, so im gonna limit my intake of soft drinks and fast food, as well as sleep.

3) akido
i really wan to learn akido again...
but i still can't find my old coach...

4) learn electric guitar
hmm, wont be happening soon i guess, since i dont have the money to get a guitar...
however, my sister wants a guitar too, so maybe i can "kop" hers :D
anyway, im gonna have to learn how to read scores and stuff by end of this year, starting with some simple music theory book xD

5) drawing
haha... hmmm....
i have roughly got back my standard, but its only for the head.
i still need to get back the artist sight...
as well as correct posture for drawing ._.

6) tidy my room
i have to do this no matter what ._.
but the wires is a huge mess... and i donno how to deal with them...

haha, i guess thats all, basically i will be focusing more on my physical than anything for this holiday...
oh, and i really need some money ._.
need to buy proper knee guards and ankle supports...
since im already injured, i best be safe than sorry...
so hopefully i can land the job i went for today >_<
pls pls pls pls, give me the job >_<
hmm, hopefully through this time's job, i can also learn to conquer my fear of kids ._.
i love kids, but sometimes, a few of them are qutie bitchy or easily scared...

i mean, if they are bitchy, i feel like sending a punch into their face, but that will seriously hurt them...
those that are easily scared... well, lets just say that im not good with crying kids... or crying ppl ._.
actually, i cant deal with ppl crying...
i donno what to do...
for me, the best thing is to first hug that person and tell them its okay, but now its stranger's kids, so how?
later their parents so sensitive, think i molesting their children =.=

anyway, im reaching 18 soon...
the first life obstacle will arrive soon...
i have to constantly remind myself of it...

every person is said to have three major life choices in their life...
the successful ppl all have theirs early...
of course it still depends on whether u went the right path.

anyway, i know im destined for great fortunes and success, but can i really pass the first choice correctly?

haha, guess the answer have to be a yes...
but im still scared...
im destined, so im presented with the choices and obstacles, but can i choose the right path and stand up fast enough??

1nov

2009-10-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

so...
._.
boy, do i feel down...

lol, it seems like im getting no where...
perhaps im even moving back...

few days ago, wanted to dota with calvin...
but due to my incredible lousy operating system (vista)
i had to keep restarting my computer, wait for the lag to end and then try and play dota...
if it hangs, redo..
so from 6pm to 8pm...
thats what i was doing, restart, wait, try, restart, wait, try...
well, in the end we didnt get to play ._.
but on a good note, i got back my drawing standards while waiting for my com to restart,
its like 2 hours worth of intense drawing practice..
okay not really intense..
but i saw my drawings improving back to my old standards (:

would have posted a few here, but err.. my camera abit problem right now ._.

26 oct 09

2009-10-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

haha, felt like blogging everytime i feeling down...
not really down actually, just feel abit dead ._.

hmm but actually im really dead, since i havent do alot of stuff i am SUPPOSED to do ):

i feel so guilty, and the more guilty i am the more i run from it T_T

haih, i should really stop that...

sorry my group mates, i continuously disappoint u guys T_T

though this time its only me thats in trouble..

but i bet it feels so shameful to have me in your group T_T

anyway anyway...

i suddenly feel like my whole life is abig lie to myself ._.

not really the real me...

As some of u may know (or read my long ago posts)

i have what people call a Ditto personality.

that is to say i copy small actions and styles from people around me without wanting to :X

i thought i graduated from that personality this year, having found the real me.

but im starting to think not...

everytime i review something i like, i will get a strong urge to do it too..
example dancing...

i knew quite a few dance for a few songs, but all of them were incomplete...

its just a sudden wanting to learn, and it never last...

and then i realize my writing style gets affected whenever i read a book, i will somehow imitate the writer's style...

haha, why did i mention about the writing now?

well its because i've been addicted to reading recently, and it has been a LONG time since i started reading stories, which is why i only realize i STILL gets affected by reading ._.

i thought i graduated from that...

maybe that is the reason why i chose to be a manga artist, so that i can fulfill my sudden urges of something...

for e.g. i suddenly want to be a good swimmer??

then i can just draw out.

Maybe some of you already know this,

but the main reason i wanted to become a manga artist is so that i can bring fantasy into reality...

anyway... i have NOT been drawing recently..

and there has been a significant decrease in my skills...

and everytime i drew something,

i never finish them,

why?

because i tore up the paper before i finish because i was disappointed at how sucky i am...

This habit has to stop..

Hero to Zero,

and not trying to climb back to a hero, because of the absence of glory.

It took me 4 MONTHS to train up the artist view,

seeing things not as shapes, but as objects...

and its all wasted...

Im sure most of you know that i was not born an artist,

i was born with a more mathematical mind...

and having to change that is like...

err..

very hard. I cant find a metaphor ):

haih anyway, here is a pic of my latest random sketch during some boring lessons

err...

i smudged one of the eyes with my wet finger ):

was drinking ice soda...

as u can all see, lousy drawing..

wrong porpotions..

wrong alignment...

I even tried the old type of uniform i usually draw, and it still gives disastrous results...

now, lets compare to the old ones...

haha, this was my favourite,

one of my best sketches, but it was before i like to fill in the eyes...

haha,

and its a wizard ^^

still got lots more to compare...

but apparantly blogspot is giving my trouble again ._.

13oct09

2009-10-13T03:46:00.001-07:00

zzz, life is going down again, and i find myself constantly running away...
numbing myself with games and stuff...

Yea, i'll admit PW is making me feel like not going to school, but i'll still go anyway, lest someone complains about me again...

but what haunts me most recently, is the fact that im left hanging on a rope...
Lots of things i shouldnt say, but really wish i can...
Just when i finally decided to let go of something, that thing bites me back...
and when i tried to shrug it off, i don't know if i really did...

anyway, another thing i should say to a friend...
not really say, but its a repeat...
Anger gets you nowhere...
Many a times i let my anger get the best of me, and all the results were disastrous...
i know its easier said than done, because even i can't really do it,
but acceptance is often way better than fighting...
instead of giving yourself reasons to be angry, learn to accept the fact that its over..
i believe in that, thats why i never ever said stuff like, "im gonna earn billions to show you that im more capable and then im gonna laugh at u"
these stuff never works...
anger will consume a person.
If i go by anger to earn money, my money will be spent to vent my anger, so it will never work.
same thing, if u say u going to have a better life than that person, your better life still revolve around that person...
u wont truly be happy.

haih..
here is another dilema im facing,
often a time i find myself tryng to "help" somebody,
doesnt matter if i did help that person successfully,
the thing is, im slowly getting tired of helping ppl,
other ppl's problem doesnt concern me...
but maybe its because of the satisfaction i get when i help people that keeps me doing so.
but thats selfish...

haih... im tired... when will somebody help me?

10 oct 09

2009-10-10T03:09:00.000-07:00

i have loads to speak about my day today, but i cant, coz that will reveal too much, maybe to a few special friends.

but here is what i have to say,
i have been thoughtful to others, and it has caused my harm.
i have been thoughtless to others, and i have hurt others.
so whats the best way out of this?

i wanted to suggest that i shud live for myself alone.
im destined for riches in the future,
i cant always be drag down by other ppl's feelings.
but if i become thoughtless to others,
who will then be beside me when i achieved what i set out for?
who's happiness will i be striving for?

then again, my thoughts on all this were completely selfish.
its not whether ppl are hurt or not,
i think its because im afraid of ppl not caring about me that i care about others.
thats selfish.

i don't know what to do except to live in isolation for awhile.

relationships, go to hell.

update!!

2009-09-04T05:40:00.001-07:00

haha, ive been wanting to update my blog since i started cleaning my room.
but i never finished cleaning and i never got around updating.
LOL, anyway, when i was clearing my room out, i found quite a few cool stuff :D
and blogger is still screwy for me xD so i cant post some pics of the stuff i found.

nvm then, i shall update about my current life.
hmm, yea, as previously stated, my school life was fun ever since i cracked up due to my father.
But thers still a few problems i faced...

anyway, i have this two friend where one doesnt really fancy the other.
when they work together,
friend A did his best,
but friend B, being the incredibly smarter one, think he did crap, and help him, saying it was a hassle.

yea, thats the scenario, when i heard about it, i was pretty worried...
i mean, in my eyes, friend B, is a great person if i get to know him.
but since he is so much more capable, in his eyes some people are just trouble.
i seriously hope that whatever he said was meant to be a joke...

and i also found a reason why i was quiet arund some people,
the reason is mainly because i think they dislike me,
so i dont approach them...
its a viscous cycle really, i think they hate me, i dont talk to them, they think i quiet/ boring/ not friendly, so they dont talk to me, they dont talk to me i think they hate me, i dont talk to them, they think quiet....
LOL!!!!

yea, i don't know how to solve this problem since i really dont want to face a scenario where i talk to that person and he really hates me.
because i dont like people whom i hate to talk to me, since it will be irritating to me xD

So, if anybody got any suggestions on what to do, please tell me...

And, today on the way home, me, calvin, junjie and jia xu talk about a certain somebody and fighting him xD
i then explain that in real fighting, technique is secondary, first thing is guts.
hmmm, i think my jiao lian once said
一胆二力三功夫
it basically means, first comes gut, then power then technique. long explanation on the theory behind.

but its really true...
if u show a slightest bit of hesitation in a real fight, ure gonna get eaten.
yup, thats why i had a good time fighting strangers.
won't go into detail what happen, lets just say that it started out in pure anger, then i enjoyed the tension so much that i felt really really guilty for fighting... i was like a heartless person that time... oh well, i was young O:) (thats a halo smiley btw)
and thats why i dont really like violence now (i dont taopok anybody...)

anyway back to the case, when they say they gonna hit that certain somebody, i really dont think thats a good idea. perhaps ostracising him would be better, he dont bother us, we dont bother him.
OR EVEN BETTER :D we ignore him, but laugh at him !!! like number 9 in my previous class, that was so much fun xD
okay, im evil :(

ah whatever...

rushing...

2009-07-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

gah, and i just realized how much homework i have left ._.
if its any homework i wouldn't even bother, but this time it concerns the whole class..
and i have two topics instead of one... @_@
man... im beat...
tml still got bowling and i dont think jiang yan knows... sucks having someone whos seems to be from a totally different world in my group...
i really don't know how to communicate to him... sheesh...

Wth's wrong with blogger??

2009-07-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

gah, blogger sucks... im typing in a really weird website now =.= the boxes and texts are all screwed up.
but beggers can't complain xD

and i thought i was completely okay without her, when i saw her again today and my heart still skips a beat...
but this time i had to force a smile >< ouch..

gah whatever, at least she's happy now.

anyway im suppose to finish my EoM by tonight, then have to hand in maths assignment and english correction tml ._.
dam sian la...

And bowling starts tml ._. and my skills have significantly drop... wonder what the coach will say...

Dedications...

2009-07-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

To my first love,

Even though i have never actually told you my feelings, but i guess you already know somehow. I really hope you will be happy for the rest of your life and that you will not have to go through the same thing again. Be strong :) If you ever feel bored or need help you can always look for me xD Thank you :) I'll always remember you xD Don't feel awkward when you see me though, always let me see that smile of yours.

To the person she chose,

Hey, you have been a great friend of mine, maybe you know about all these too, so don't feel awkward talking to me okay? Just be like the way we used to be. Take care of each other kay? :)

To that great friend who was concern about me,

Haha, i didn't know you would actually read my blog, but maybe after today's incident, you might not again. Like i said before, you are my most supportive friend ever and i treasure that friendship alot. I know you always wanted to do something for me, but you always say you don't know what to do. Truth is, you already have done alot. You helped me in studying and were always there for me. That alone is enough xD, knowing that i have a really really special friend like you. So please, don't feel bad about yourself. I didn't bother you with my problems recently because I was worried that I might trigger some bad memories for you somehow, since thats how we got together. I read your blog and it seems you were doing well, so I really don't want to see that depress you again. (Sorry for reading, even though you told me not to long ago xD) Anyway, stay confident in yourself, you're a great girl. If you ever need me again, remember, I'm always there for you like you were for me. Recently, the problems I'm facing is family personal matters, so I don't think you'll be interested xD

-end of dedications-

Haihz...
Recently, school has been fun, i guess i sort of cracked up ever since that weekend that i stop caring about what others think and just behave wildly. And today will be the day my father comes back...
Oh, and i don't expect the dedication to reach the person im referring to xD haha

Yea, many times i have thought if it would be better if i never knew that girl i love,
but i guess i can't think that way.
Her presence made me experience something new, and even though i still like her very much, i just wish she is happy, hopefully she won't get hurt again haha.

And to that special friend, Thank you for worrying about me.
I really like you alot xD ( as a best best friend of course xD)

gah, they won't read it anyway haha.

hello

2009-07-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

hello...
been awhile since i posted since i was busy with exams...

heres what happen in the end,
i end up with only having finish studying econs book 1 for the entire month of holiday,
so i had to cover up with the time i had left before the exam starts...

after i take the exams,
i went back home,
took a nap,
wake up at around 9pm,
pack my bag and went to mac to study over night for the following day's topic...
mind you i had to stuff everything in a short 5-7 hours for one subject...

anyway, i never expect to do well in this exam...
if i did, i would most likely get beaten up.
Was not confident in my answers which resulted in lack of time...
(proving a few equations here and there before using...)

Well, throughout this time, my head was just filled with thoughts of why i am studying...
during the holidays like i have mentioned, i watch a few videos of people with talent...
many people just succeed without even relying on a single thing they learn in school...
somemore their school was way below our standard in singapore...

they relied on something else...

and that is pure passion.

Everybody who i have deem successful so far have an amazing passion for what they do best.
Its not just on stage, i see it in people who have achieve success without even so much as to stand on a stage.

so i started questioning whats my passion...

anyway, throughout this period of time i only feel like quitting school...
i see the poly students, most already finding their own path way in life,
i know most of them still havent, but compare it to my school...

Anyway, this weekend was one of the worst in my life...
usually i would be extremely happy with 4 days off school,
but this time...

my father arrive home every weekend from malaysia and with that,
he on his computer and down came my connection to the net...
usually i would have shutted his connection down with my own computer,
but this time he plug off my line and plug in his...
in other words, "stole" my connection...
so there i was, having nothing to do at home for 3 days since he arrive home early by a day.

What hurts me most was the thing he said...
well, i will admit some of them were true, but having him say it...
He doesn't deserve to talk about me...

he does he think he is ? My FATHER???
so what?
You freaking don't know anything about me...
and just continuously hurt my emotionally..

im not exxagerating when i say he don't know anything about me...
He really has totally no clue what his son do...
and just assumes his son is like this or like that, and tell people bullshit about me =.=
he wrecks my lifestyle into pieces...
So you see me changing for the better during weekdays, and when it reach the weekend,
he does things that restricts me... so im back to square one or even worse off...

i hate him...
i hate my home...

i really want to move out and just live my own life...

i use to laugh at people who are emo and hurt themself or tries to commit suicide...
but now, when life is totally empty and everything just plain sucks,
suicidal thoughts keep coming into your mind...
seriously...
i had actually wish a car would accidentally hit me and making me paralyzed and then i can just do what i want.
or better yet, kill me so i get another chance in life...

but thats also the reason why i choose to not commit suicide, because its not confirm that u get a second chance in being human, and secondly u wont retain your memories anyway...

and then the person who always say she will be there for me,
just isnt...

i dont want to breakdown again, i breakdown so many times in front of her and the only thing i get is a temperarily relief...
i would soon be back...

anyway i went out on one of the weekends to play pool with ken, vinc and yong. i must say i really miss times like this where i just fool around with my friends...
i was happy..
today i went out with a few people again, and again, i was reminded of how i used to act before this year...
before this year, everyday of my life was filled with smiles...
even if i didnt do homework, even if i failed a test, even if my computer broke down...
i would still be happy...

some people say just be yourself...
but like i said first impression matters alot,
and the way i am have already been imprinted onto everyone,
and when i try to be who i am (which is a complete opposite of the way i act now)
people just give me weird looks...

Saying, "just be yourself"
is the right thing to say to a person,
but nobody actually accepted it,
because it opposes the image they already have in their minds..
i tried... its still the same...

now my life is completely wreck in these 4 days...
i have food packet and bottles lieing around my room,
unwashed cups and bowls...
unwashed clothes,
tidbits lieing around...
sleep cycle screwed...
thanks dad, for screwing up my life...

i know i can't blame him though, since ultimately its still my fault...

oh and because i have no connection for these few days, i disapoointed my PW group AGAIN...
i disappointed and failed them so many times...
i donno how i should face them... im sorry, thats all i can say...

...
..
well, thats my life...

Wander

2009-06-29T05:16:00.000-07:00

This is me ---> X_X

i feel dead ._.

and im here to report my current status.

So far, i have not studied any other topic except for econs which i totally flunked in today's exam ._.

Yes, throughout the whole month, i have been wasting time ._.
Not on training, not on playing, just plain stoning ._.

I only went bowling three time in the entire month...
i didnt study much at all..
and when i realize theres only two days left, i waste it away by surfing around youtube for funny videos ._.

so im stuck with only a few hours to study for the topic that comes the next day ._.

anyway, as i walk home after buying lunch and dinner, i just start to wonder about life again ._.
I'm really wasting my life ._.
i wish i can find something that makes me really passionate about ._.
something that i can relate to with my life ._.
something that i will devote my whole life to...
i donno what it is...
I start to feel like quitting school again...

haih, this time instead of the emo ness i had like last time,
all i feel now is complete emptiness...

What can i do?

Tried to

2009-06-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hopefully nothing will go wrong with my posts again =.=
im sick of blogger screwing things up.

anyway, i wanted to talk about things that i wish i were xD

Haha, yea i know it will be really childish, but hey nobody reads stuff here anyway lol.

Anyway, recently i have been looking at some animes here and there, and then i saw a few videos about drawing, and read a few mangas here and there.

I guess i remembered how badly i wanted to be able to draw.

Its not just about using it as a medium to achieve my dream.

I really look up to these artists.
Being able to express and convey personalities through a few lines.
Thats whats its all about xD

Making a person go through an experience is something,
conveying it to them through words is another,
expressing it in ONE picture is a whole different thing.
that's why i look up to artists.
I saw this video of a talented anime drawer who has only started for 2 years ._.
but his work was fabulous,
he's so good that he developed his own way of drawing/painting eyes
which is used in visual novels to convey life in just one picture.

Then i saw a few J-rock videos and Funtwo (the guy who had 60mil views on youtube for playing Canon on his guitar)
It just make me want to learn the electric guitar even more...
but what i really want to have,
is to be like them, able to express themselves honestly.

Then i saw a few dance and stunts videos...
I know i always have a sudden burst of inspiration to do something just because i see it from the videos...
but today i watch them...
and i think that i should do something ._.

argh.. what am i thinking...
I just watch youtube live 08...
and then i see all these people lives' being changed by youtube...
and then i thought, hmm do people just post things and then they become a celebrity on the net?
No.
You have to have something to show..
and then i thought what if i had thought about this earlier, then i could have been like them..
thats when i remembered,
"Its not what you learn that matters, its what you do with it that gives you results."

Anyway recently i have watched a few videos of talented people,
and everytime i look at them i can't help but feel this aura around them.
its just brimming with talent.
they don't even have to showcase their skills, it can be seen from the way they entered the stage.
This is when i start thinking what it is that makes them have this special aura...
i guess i will never know the answer though,
until i somehow end up like them...

I have to practice on something and stick to it ._.

blogger sucks lol

2009-06-23T02:25:00.001-07:00

yes blogger sucks, i had to delete my last post because apparantly only half of the text is shown =.= so yea deleted the post...

><

2009-06-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

zzzz...

so i tried to have a good sleep yesterday, but didnt work... in total i only sleep 6 hours =.=
thought i make myself tired to sleep longer but no ._. i just woke up at 6am...

anyway, thought i would perform better when bowling with jerrine, jun wen and kc...
but no =.=

okay, so i wasnt even playing seriously...
xD my fault xD haha

yea, anyway, i perfected my double handed house ball throw.
and i can perform a back up house ball xD
yup...

but yea i lost touch when bowling normally...

at first it was because i was fooling around,
then later i got a stomache from drinking too much fruit juice (one litre)
then when i tried to bowl seriously, i found myself unable to relax...
and then i realize what's wrong...

I HURT MY SPINE @___@
no wonder everything was off balance...
YES ITS IN TERRIBLE PAIN RIGHT NOW @___@

ouch... T_T so much for wanting to train... now i hurt a vital part of the body...

anyway, have a class outing later, but i donno if i should go T__T

Firstly, its expensive to eat outside for 20 plus dollar...
secondly, my spine freaking hurts even when i walk....
thridly, im dead tired from bowling ._.

yes, you can get tired from bowling,
and when u are bowling professionally, its really really really exhausting...

seems like a slacky cca huh? play game for two hours in air-con room

lol WRONG...
its not that slacky in the physical part...
its quite tough...
speaking from experience
Of course it can't be compared to basketball and the hellish training i have few years ago,
but as a normal cca, its quite tough le...

secondly, bowling is a mind game...
if u don't find yourself tired from having to hold a half squat position for almost two hours,
then u WILL definitely find yourself tired from the mental stress.

lol put the two together, and its really tough to bowl...
anyhow bowl is easy la, i can easily bowl up to 20 games,
but if i want to hit high score for every game i can only play up to 4 games...

lol, really im not trying to suck up to my own cca, its really quite tough.

Anyway... /( >A< )/ MY SPINE REALLY HURTS @___@
sian... T__T

edit

2009-06-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

lol, i came back and look at my post when i realize another mistake

in my drawing of bou, his headgear was off O_O
i think i was too sleepy when drawing that, no wonder his headpiece look so out of place,
it wasnt fitted right xD

yea anyway, i read about bou's retirement announcement and the bands response to it..
i was so touched ><
haih, and now i shall be a good cafekko and support antic cafe all the way >=/
need to find their abulm first xD lol

BORED

2009-06-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

hi, woke up at 10 PM...

lol
again i have nothing to do...

so oh well, might as well practice drawing abit ._.

haha, so this post will have a few photos of my sketches from my sketch book.

mind u, i using my phone to capture them xD because i have no scanner ):

someone buy me a drawing tablet too pls... xD

....

lol, if u guys see my msn nick, i think u all shud know

that im currently mad about antic cafe xD

...

anyway, i was trying to practice when i really donno what to draw...

...

happens alot of time, i just sit there and brainstorm on what to draw and then i got braindead and sian then just keep everything back...

...

anyway i went online to find a solution when i found a few ppl having the same problem as me.

and this was the comment which i found useful

...

"Also, don't pressurize yourself. If you're too hard on yourself, it gets difficult. Do enjoy the drawing"

...

that's said by the other artists in the forum xD of course he said other things, but i think this comment help the most lol.

...

anyway, as u can see, the sketch is incomplete,

yes, BOU HAS CIRCLES FOR HANDS /( @_@)\

yea.. its bou, if u can't recognize him from my ugly drawing...
anyway its incomplete because a guitar is suppose to fit there, but i still not very good at drawing one, so i will just leave it blank.

...

lol and heres a few other photos of my random sketches

trying out some new style and angles etc...

...

lol, this was me trying to sketch after not practicing for donno how long.

...

haha i tried to draw the this form a diff angle, but i screwed up...

...

anyway, hair inspired by Kanon from antic cafe,

but i realize i drew it wrongly the next day xD

...

the bottom face is me attemping to draw a hand which blocks an attack from someone,

yes the rest of the page is filled with rough sketches of the arm xD

...

anyway i didnt do a good job at it, the hand angle was wrong ._. (disappointed)

....

Some attempts to draw bou based off memory ><

i found out the pig tails were not that short the next day OTL

lol yea, so wrong.

...

anyway, i tried a few styles

the one on top is a more childish style ._. rounded face...

i think its quite cute xD but its not bou ):

...

the one on the bottom is another style,

more mature face and sharper eyes

(LOL, his cheek looks like its missing because of my lousy camera xD)

...

haha anyway, yea again wrong ponytail.

it was when i draw this that i realize that i donno what bou's hair from the back looks like xD

coz ponytails = hair being tied,

but from my sketch u can see no hair is being "tied" up...

haha so i went around to find the answer...

...

this was me trying to find some inspiration for something to draw and i used the soft toy that swee cheng gave me for my brithday few years ago xD

...

its a little duck xD

...

yea which explains the duck cap,

but caps plus ponytails... clash... BOOM

...

so yea failed attempt

...

then just a few random sketch here and there... before i started on drawing the actual bou (the first pic in this post)

...

Anyway, after writing all this, i realize its good to post a pic and self-assess it ._.

i mean i do self assess my work,

but most of the time i just forget them,

but by actually writing (typing) them out, it got inprinted into my memory xD

...

still its a hassle to do this,

firstly i have shaky fingers, so i have to shoot a few times before i got one thats not blurred out...

and i have to use a cd box + calculator + psp + casing to hold my camera in place so that the angle is not altered ._. and can see the sketch exactly the way it is.

then when i post it on this blog, it screws up for some reason ._.

hate blogger, my spacing in between means something,

but i have to use the "..." so that it wont read them as uneccasry space and leave them out ><

yea anyway, comments, criticism are welcome ><

just be more professional in them...

Im bored...

2009-06-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

hi,
back for another post,
since i have freaking nothing to do right now ._.
My life is pretty interesting right now...
because during the morning and afternoon, u can see me in bed ._. sleeping...
and when the sky became dark,
I raise from the bed slowly and crawl out to find food :F
Rawr, im a vampire!!!
yea, and as u can see from the time i posted this, i will be awake for the whole "morning"
till around 10am where the sun gets too bright for my activities D: ahhhhh
lolz...
sucks...
cant get to sleep unless im really tired...
and im still sick...
-cough- -cough-
yea, and my left ear is stuck for almost three days le ._.

okay...
so my life is not very interesting right now ._.
wake up, find food, look around youtube, listen to music, and then back to sleep again.
mind u, all that happen during the night ._. so i can't go out to have fun T_T
not like it will be fun going out ALONE...
=.= zzz, most ppl are just too concern over who is going and they forget that its their OWN choice whether they wan go or not...
"lets go play pool"
"who going?"
"erm, i ask x and y and you, so far only x confirm"
"huh, so little ppl going?" (like duh, how many u want? 8 ppl share one table???)
"so u going?"
"hmm, if y going then i go.."
y: " i donno le.."
the next day.....
y:" i think i don't go le, very tired" (okay, ure tired, i understand =.=)
"huh? y not going le? then i don't go le..."
x: "huh? only u and me? wha, i dont wan go le.."
me: o_o.... okay.... now what do i do... back to com i guess, hmm maybe i ask some ppl go watch movie at night.

AND THEN THE SAME THING HAPPENS =.=
except the inclusion of a few late replys etcetc...

yes its hard getting people to come out, because they are busy ._.

ahhh..
by right, im suppose to study, but so far, i havent even dig out my notes yet...
die le die le..
haih oh well...

anyway, theres a few stuff i wan to get done be4 holidays is over ._.
1) go seol garden with a few people
2) settle my electric guitar lessons
3) practice drawing for one week
4) stick to my training plan for one week
5) stick to john kehoe's mind power training
6) get my sleeping pattern corrected
7) study for exam
8) re-organize my room ._.

yea, hopefully i can do all that ._.

i hate holidays...

2009-06-10T03:16:00.000-07:00

Hi, back for another post...
recently i have manage to break my high score by a decent amount xD
new high score is 202 >< but then my second game is around 183 which also broke my previous score of 177. in other words, I HAVE MOVED UP ANOTHER LEVEL XD yayee....

well, that is something to cheer about...

apart from that, i can only report that my life right now is...
Rotten.
thats the word my mother used, which is quite right ._.
F.Y.I, she did not used that word to scold me xD just commented on my state of life...

yea, recently i have been playing some games here and there, living in my crampy room, eating cup noodles, sleeping in the afternoon and playing in the night ._.
actually its more like i can't help but live in my crampy room, since no shops are open in the middle of the night except those that sell cup noodles.

my clothes are left unwashed for a few days (just got them wash today)
and my room is in a terrible state.

These few days i have been trying again to live up to my dream, yet i realize it has become even further than ever...
why? why can't i notice sooner? now i'm running out of time...
yea, and its time like this that i realize my life sucks...
and when u realize life sucks, u began to stop living it.
thats what happen to me during the first half of the year.
so now that i notice that, i blog about it first to save me from going deeper into the emo hole...

hope i don't repeat the cycle...
tried drawing again...
cannot...
it sucks...

my physique?
haih, in the drain...
and recently i saw this old man doing tai chi...
he was incredible, able to lift and hold the leg up like that... especially at that age...
i can't even do that ._.

and my knees started to hurt again for god know's what reason.
perhaps its due to my lack of sleep.

yea, i'm still feeling sick, and my face is filled with little dots...
along with my panda eyes, i look like im suffering from drug withdrawals...
i'm sick of my life...

OH GOSH, I TYPED IT OUT @_@
but its true, at this current moment, i am sick of my life...

but now its different,
for the first half of the year i forgot how i used to be,
but now that i remember,
i can do stuff to make my life less suckier...

first i have to get out of this rotten state.

Anyway, some other stuff to say,
i think it would make the world a better place to live in, if ppl would cut down on vulgarities, and show some respect to each other, instead of mocking them to bootlick someone else.
i mean when u challenged someone with power, u need reasons, but the bootlickers around them use vulgarities and jokes to shut u up. i hate bootlickers =.=

KYAHAHAA

2009-05-30T01:07:00.000-07:00

i just realized its the holiday xD

yea, anyway i guess some imposter have been having fun around blogs...

haha, heck about him, won't even get angry, will just play along, see what kind of funny stuff he can do.

anyway, gonna go jp to be happy with swee ._.
planning to buy him a present, but i scared he already has le....

anyway, was at a bookshop yesterday when i just flip through some books.
boy do i realize how much i have miss out in life ._.
i guess i really forget that reading can be quite fun.
but when i see the price tag, i remember why i stop buying books xD

oh well, maybe cna find them in the library...lalala

happy birthday swee cheng

2009-05-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

and lol i was so angry about that imposter that i forgot the main purpose in blogging today xD
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LA SMALL EYES 3_3
xD
okay, i calling the kettle black ._.

yea anyway, i further got angry at the imposter because he impose me again when i said that was going to be my last post and anymore would not be me.
and following after that post, he started using vulgarities all around the tag board =.=
even said i'll go to sylvia (which is like lieing because i didnt said it, what happens if i didnt go? then it would be like i lie...)
and wtf to vincent, my best buddy...

yea, anyway, i'll go to help in the morning anyway =.=

angry yuhong is not one to be messed with..

2009-05-29T09:34:00.001-07:00

HI :D

yes, im angry about something LOL
so here i am flaming him or her on my blog =.=

As you all may have noticed, some F**ktard is going around blogs imposing people.
Yes, it is people like them who deserves to be F**k upside down inside out, and then back upside down again TWICE.
It is people like them who deserves a beating.
Yet, the internet is able to hide the identity.

As some of you may know, i hate people imposing me,
because if people impose me, its like me lieing to my friends, which is a big no no.
Even so much as a "copy your nickname and put on my nick" (you know who u are ;) ) also angered me so much xD of course i forgave the person since he's a friend and he just took it down immediately since he just forget that i hate people imposing me.

And i hate using vulgarities, even though u see me using them sometimes (above)
thats because sometimes some situation and some people just KEEP ASKING FOR IT.
I think vulgarities make people look stupid, its like they have nothing else to say so they resort to vulgarities or shouting.
Besides, some of the vulgarities, just sound so funny.
For example, the typical,
"F*ck you la" makes me think of the person using it as a bitch who is in mating season and would start mating with anyone he/she sees.
Funny enough, bitch is also a vulgarity (but is calling themselves)
of the
"wtf u wan la?"
is just plain redundant, and really expresses the persons stupidity for adding extra two words down there.
incase u people don't know, i normally use wth (what the hell) to show my surprise in unlucky happenings. And when i use OMFG (which i don't unless it was few years ago) it means Oh my freaking god. not the mating one...

So if i have any brains at all, i wouldnt use vulgarities,
EXCEPT for the EXPRESSION OF EXTREME ANGER TOWARDS INTOLERABLE BEHAVIOR.

Yes, i know some of you think im overeacting...
yea i am..
Since young i have hated those movies or drama's filled with plots related to misunderstanding between couples.

I donno la, but this imposter this time have completely no brains.
OR maybe he enjoys seeing me angry, which i have already fallen for such a trap.
Who cares, i'll flame him nevertheless :P just makes me feel better lalala...

Anyway, if i found out its some stranger...
oh well, let's just say, i 'll be happy to see him :D

but if its a friend...
i will feel really stupid for getting angry...
but now that i said that, i realize i'm suppose to get REALLY REALLY disappointed in that person...
because u should know when to stop.
And if u are a friend, u will know what kind of jokes is tolerable.

So please, my last two message on the 4h class blog shall be my last one, (the one with the error of "message be to confirm" and the one before that).
to the imposter, **** you (just fill in any vulgarities u want :D, preferably all)

slash lala :)

2009-05-27T05:02:00.001-07:00

lala...
sian, my throat dam sore these few days...
when i speak, i either sound like cosmo from the fairy odd parents, or some deep voice female =.=
dam funny la today at bowling..
My voice keep changing, normal to high to low xD anyhow.
then tried to cheer, like " Goo OOO~~~ Kuuun hong" my voice zhao xia halfway =.= dam funny...
but oh well :D
been bowling properly these few days XD
i can play all three lines of hooking le :D yaye.
nearly hit 200 ._. but the game ended.. haihs..

haha, okay enough about bowling..
donno why, these few days i have been feeling so cheerful, almost like my old self :)
maybe it was zhixiang's post last time, or maybe it was because i gave up, or maybe it was because i decided to pursue my dream again, or maybe it was the support i receive from my old friends on my birthday ._.
haha, i guess have to say its all of them, since bits and pieces of my life was recovered
LOL, I REALLY SOUND LIKE IM PLAYING KINGDOM HEARTS, collecting memories xD
but yea... it sucks when u suddenly forget how u used to behave especially when u never had a real personality.

xD guess i sort of remembered how i used to act last time haha.
Still got a few problems here and there, because of how i used to act before i changed back...
i have alot of things to say but i can't post them here, because its really bad xD

so i just wan to wish this friend of mine, to jiayou ._.
hopefully he will realize his mistake soon, and become a great person.
wish u all the best yea >_< and forgive me too for not being understanding.
still i have to write all my anger out on another piece of paper LOL xD

i guess i reap the seeds i sow...
but i hope u will give me another chance ._.
still trying to catch up...
and please Chill xD u too uptight le ._. later high blood pressure ._.

ur'e a great friend, so yea don't really wish to see u like that ><

yea... then today during bowling, jun wen also said that i use alot brain in bowling ._.
and i replied because of wushu ><
thats when i remembered the first time i can't train when i was injured...
it was at the hall as usual, only around 8 ppl that time (me only boy btw)
yea then i was sitting by the sideholding my sword ._. and my jiao lian was sitting on a chair at the front center of the changdi. ppl were taking turns to da their tao lu.
thats when my jiao lian signal to me to tell me to come to his side ._.
and then sitting there, he imparted the knowledge of analzying moves to me ><
yea, from then on, i guess i improve better in stuff related to skills (movement of bodies)
of course knowing is just half the game, still need strength to execute the moves.

but yea, i guess akido and wushu plus drawing made me see the human anatomy, how joints move. xD
so yea, apply it to bowling, viola xD
especially since bowling is completely about skill and not about strength xD

Okay thats all i have to say xD
one last thing,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINYEE >___<

sorry i couldnt wish u happy bday earlier coz i was totally confuse about time.
was sick for these few days, keep sleeping.
when i woke up, i saw my computer calender say 27th may i immediately send a happy bday wish le >_< so its like the first thing i do today ._. (apart from opening my eyes)
yea, wanted to buy u something, but i still have to think of how to give it to u ._. coz by the time i give it to u, it would have already become something else XD

sucks

2009-05-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

sunday night...
tml is monday, need to go school ._.

Sian, and i forgot to cut my hair... it looks like weed.

oh well, recently i have stumble upon a few jrock band xD
only got this to say,
Ryohei & Bou FTW >< xD
WHOOOO~~~!

xD haha, anyway, i have also stumble upon one of japan's subculture infleunce, Malice Mizer.
infeluence the lolita trend in japan.
anyway when reading up on lolita, i realize theres another aspect i have to excel in to be a good comic artist ._.
i have to know and be able to design every single detail of a shirt/dress/whatever.
like i have to know what constitutes as lolita, goth, normal dressing, victorian, etcetc.
so that i can use them accordingly, mix and match them ._.

swt... this is tough..

anyway, got gp test on tuesday and guess what? as always, I'm not prepared, but im prepared to fail xD haha, no hope le la GP...
i hate the lesson so much that i completely heck care about it ._. die le...
and this freaking sore throat...
haih anyway, i told myself to start practicing drawing again, but guess what i forgot again @_@

tml still got pw ._.
sian... haih... dont really look forward to it, since everyone in my group is so hard working.
not a bad thing of course...
but it just lack something... can't put a finger on it ._.
oh well, hopefully i'll have fun tml ._. i hope...

happy birthday to me xD

2009-05-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

haha xD

today didnt go well, because i wanted to feel sad for that piece of news yesterday, but it didnt work out XD
maybe its that black cat i saw again ._. it was the same scenario as last time, black cat with a brown cat behind, looking at me rushing to school and me just gaving a nod to them (like a bow of respect)

anyway, thanks to all those who wish me happy bday :)
yea, but the weird thing is, all my pals didnt wish my happy bday ._. and vincent actually ask me when is my birthday two days ago LOL. So, yea, funny how different it turns out.

anyway, this year i got more thoughts then presents :(
oh well, doesn't matter.
have to thank chingxin they all,
haha, i can say they gave me the best present liao.
actual Laughters in a box o.O

During this period in my life,
that was exactly what i needed.
to know that what i have been before and to receive joy instead of actual presents.
so yea, i think i treasured those thoughts more than anything today, im really glad to have everyone as my good friends. (even though i know most people forgot about it)

god yesterday i felt like crying because of being sad, today i felt like crying because of joy xD ahh, i became a cry baby liao. (that's if i really can cry ._.)

still, that piece of news just got reinforced with steel and knock into my face today ._. haih...
ahhh... Evil, BEGONE~~~

okay anyway, back to reflections.
the gift i got from lau and chingxin was the best like i said,
coz it was a box with a cards that says how to have joy in life.
its filled with jokes too, and i thought its goonna be some crummy jokes that i have heard before ._.
but there are some that are really good xD
and there are advices here and there about enjoying life.
one of them again made me remember how i used to act again.
(LOL, its like im playing kingdom hearts or something, collecting memories xD)
How?
I know no shame xD
LOL yup, that was how i played my life two years ago. i just throw my face on the floor and go crazy ._. i shouted stupid jokes infront of the library (still outside), played para para paradise with my legs while being watched by a crowd who later owns me in proper para para,
i wear stupid clothes (yelllow was my favourite color then because it represents sunshine).
lol, and if something needed some funny, i was always first to volunteer.

ahh, that was all in the past, events have made me seek peacefulness (found out i prefer green recently) rather than joy,
coz i thought i was being too childish.
yea, last time when ppl said that, i just said, who cares and stick my tongue out and then run away laughing xD
now.. it just made me more conscious of how lousy i am in being a guy ._. that was why i tried to be mature... or something (obviously i donno how) by keeping quiet...

oh well, i will just live life day by day.

okay, back to some thanks ._.
thanks to chingxin, lau, xinyu, spenc and simon
for their gifts and wishes and comments
rousi for being the first to wish me happy birthday but it was a day early because she needed her beauty sleep xD and the candies she bought last min xD
toh for her early wishes too xD
sylvia and chiouyih for the cake and card xD
and u wanted to know what my face is like when i saw the present right xD??
its like O_O OH MAI GAWD when i saw the cake,
but i was like 3_3 huh?? when u all pass me the present (was about to take a nap)
yanyi, for her PIECE OF PAPER Xp.
then thanks to those who just wish me happy birthday, swee cheng, serming, qinyu, jian long, sharm, kristie (sorry for not wishing u happy bday yesterday ><), mjh (my pal :)), eugenia and acer (rawr). those are ppl who sms me with wishes la, the rest all just smack me with their hand (ouch) or offer a hand to wish my happ bday.
still, like i said, i really appreciate those thoughts, because it really counts during this time of my life.
haha yeap, that's about it for today xD

and to sylvia and chiou yih: haha, i don't find the card girly la xD or rather i donno what determines girly and all that xD love the card xD

I can't fall down now... not now...

2009-05-20T04:51:00.000-07:00

just when i thought today will be a pleasant day since we didnt do anything much for GP.

bowling was great, get to showoff the skills i secretly learnt from observation of other bowlers, some more we practice using house ball which was what i had been doing for very long.
then i can bowl without guard le too.
i can also play default line and outside line using the left and right thumb rule...

and then bowling ended, blah blah...
and then i heard a piece of news that just sent me crumbling to pieces.

i said not to be emo le...
but...
if its not for this stupid body of mine, i would have cried already, but all i manage was just some swelling in my eyes and throat that refuse to come out...

So much have happened ever since then.
My ultimate goal was unreachable, i can only get near it, which was i have been doing.
and then i have to sacrficed it to become at least a decent person. and now that i have fail in achieveing wat i want, i realize i have become further away from my ultimate goal, really far le... almost impossible to reach...
and then the first impressions i give to new ppl that i meet, whether in class or some activities. i didnt do what i always did so as to appear mature, or at least like a guy and not some kid.
and then got so stress about it that i didnt go to school because of insonmia...

so now i have become further away from my ultimate dream, screwed the first impression people have of me and screwed up my school life.

all because of...

have been feeling better recently, which was why i started trying to climb back up.
and now...

but i can't fall down now, i can't fall down again, not that i have strive so hard to catch up. Even though i have not completely catch up... so i can't fall down now...

I want to cry...

._.

2009-05-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

ahh... fell asleep again

anyway, wanted to share some of what i think are great food combos XD
1) 蜜汁鸡排 + Chocolate ice-blended
2) Watermelon + Sweet prune powder + sugar/ bamboo sugar
3) Sugared covered biscuit + milo (the milo changes taste after that :D)
4) Roti prata + Ham + cheese sasuage + satay bits + mushroom + mozeralla cheese

haha can't think of anymore...
oh well... the roti prata was inspired by 4h la, we did it for some occasion,
roti prata + mushroom + cheese.
At that time, me and acer had to share one T_T
but yea, one bite is all it takes to know how good it is.
so i experimented with all types of ingredient.

if u add chilli ketchup tuna + ham + cheese sasuage + mushroom + mozeralla cheese, it tastes like any normal pizza bread.
but if u add satay and take away the chilli ketchup tuna..
@___@ wow... the smell and taste like some pizza hut pizza flavour that i can't remember the name :D Yum...

anyway, i was wondering why ching xin asked me weird question today, ask me if i need something...
well juse now i receive a present from my father who pass it to my mother to be pass to me on my birthday. haha, sicne he away. yea, even though its a day early, i just realize my birthday is tml ._.
swt...
these few days i have been so busy that i totally did not notice. oh well, heck.

yea, then i realize just how much i have to catch up when i was totally confused during econs... AHHH, still got loads to catch up ._.

and during pw today ._.
i realize its not my class that is like too active about pw, its only my group O_O
and those group who are behind on time ._.
haih... its time like this i wish there were at least ONE slacker in my group xD
oh well...
haha, i also realize zhi xiang is not that scary after all xD talk to him, and he replied like a normal person and makes mistakes some times too.
haha, yea even though i have much to thanked him for, but to me he has been this kind of godly unreachable figure that cannot be offended o_o so yea, i donno how to talk to him.
but hey, he's still human xD haha, and when he said hokkein, xD haha, its funnier than any other person saying hokkein xD coz he sounded like a hokkein politician xD

haha, okay back to homework... ahh GP sucks Xp rawr...
oh and HOHO, did forgot to mention that my debts have increase to $653??
ahhh... where can i find $303 to pay for my GPP last year ><

:D

2009-05-18T04:24:00.000-07:00

haha, back for a post :D

did my chem retest today, and i think i didnt do it too badly :D
must thanks zhi xiang, weilin and mervin for calming me down before the tests xD
i think i was soo scared of disappointing the teachers that i end up having mind blanks for every test, except chemistry that is xD haha
must learn to calm down :X

anyway, recently, i have been trying hard to catch up with homework,
and to make up for not being able to play,
i didnt sleep again ._.
BAD CHOICE...
once again i must stress how important sleep is.
some of u may think its okay to skip a few hours of sleep here and there, since nothing much is affected, but actually it adds up.
for instance, look at me ._.
three months of uneven sleeping time has caused my body to malfunction.
i'm suffering from injuries, extreme triedness, breathing problems, chest pains, muscle cramps and worst of all the mind blank syndrome..
yea, the mind blank syndrome just makes your head all fuzzy and spinny @_@
u can hear things
but can't listen.
can see things,
but cant read xD
haha, basically things just enter ur mind and did not get processed..
u will also find yourself being extremely extra and lame, have alot of negative thoughts...
bla bla bla, yea sleeping is important :O
though the acupuncture did solve the spinny problem.
(im scared of needles, but since i can't back out then, ahhh xD)

haha, life is turning better for me at least in the school aspect i think xD
(sleep is very very important)
but then got pw... haih
not complaining, but this year's pw is just soo... weird ._.
and i was selected to be the leader ._.
die le..
i know i said i'm confident in being a good leader,
but...
i don't think i will do a good job this time,
since i am still trying to catch up with my studies
(at least until my classmate's level so i won't slow down their lessons)
yea...
im totally clueless about this year's pw,
i can't think straight,
i have no clue what's going on.
when things have to be done, etc etc
and the people in my team are just... hmm how to say... too strong le xD
must be an honor to lead a team of elites,
that is if im leading properly xD
i really scared i will drag them down...
never been so blur for pw in my life...

>< yea, and zhi xiang's PI + Mr imran's rebuttal questions + weilin's comments is just too much information for me to process @_@ im going crazy le...
Wha, so many things have to think through and the deadline for pw seems so rush ._.
Haha, guess i only have myself to blame for skipping schools too much...
Anyway, i keep getting reminded that i have wasted time...
and everytime i get these thoughts,
some where in my mind the thought of giving up will come up, s
aying, since its already too late, might as well forget it...
but i have to change that.
its never too late to start.
so a few things i have to work on.
1) the momentum of my studies,
have to keep doing tutorials and attend school.
2) drawing realize i deprove alot...
like seriously alot alot alot aaaaa lot...
3) learning akido
Yup, i decided to pick up the skill i gave up when i was primary six xD, shall start learning again as soon as i find one.
4) my physique
have to get back my body >< im growing abit fat around the waist XD
5) check back with jiale, see how he coping
6) pay my debts of $350... T___T

haha and to end off, i want wish my friend who is currently having a high fever to get well soon :D
get well soon calvin, or u can just bring the flu bug to school :) we won't mind :D

crying with no tears

2009-05-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

>_<

ahh...

i can't study...

Haha, anyway today dam interesting, maybe it has to do with that black cat looknig at me and not crossing my path or smth.
oh well, on my way to school, got caught in the rain ._.

haha, today actually quite fun too, went to school and played tekken with the boys, laugh like hell.
then when we gone through physics, i think i fail xD
Expected anyway, since i fell asleep for around 10min while reading that stupidly long question during the test.
and till now i never finish reading that question o_o
then today released early since mr.azmi is away, then the boys hang out at our usual spot xD
played chapteh, psp and bingo xD dam fun.
then on the way home sms this random guy who somehow got my number LOL
i think he was hoping i was a girl or smth, then can hook up, tsk tsk, people these days.

then got back home, fell asleep, woke up and the usual...

OH MAI GAWD, OH NOOOOOO, AHH CAN'T STUDY FOR TEST @____@

then went around reading blogs...
and here i am blogging.
haih, gonna continue singing the man who can't be moved, its the only thing that can distract me from whomever im thinking of.
....

@___@

2009-05-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Its 4AM in the morning...
did i just wake up?
HELL NO @__@

got physics test later, so i stayed up all night trying to do some last min revision...
when i look at the notes, i was stun..
don't understand a single thing...
result of not attending lecture/school..
anyway, no chance to try tutorials, so later it will be a great test of luck for me.
and i didnt get any sleep, so i can't really think well for the test later..

so i finish my revision, i shud get some sleep, but..
i can't.
because of the stupid GP presentation tommorow...
so far for the last two years i have ace all my presentations,
( 24/25 marks for lang arts speech during mr wee's lesson FTW)
yea.. so i really don't wish to do badly for this presentation...
but this kind of last min work... haih
i wish she move it some time later, not on the day of a test.

anyway, some ppl tell me to just be myself, but thats not that easy la...
dont know why, i just seem to act on first impressions, so i can behave totally different between two people depending on their first impression of me.

On the way home, i started thinking if i can really be a good guy to the person i like, i just tried to visualize me doing something for her.
but i can't, i think i have to admit that i can't give her happiness.
so i guess i really have to love her from the side...
hopefully that other guy will be her best support.
Oh well, gonna end off with part of the lyrics from the Script's song, "the man who can't be moved"
If she changes her mind, this is the first place she would go...

back again

2009-05-08T09:40:00.001-07:00

haha, had a good sleep.
sure many of you know that i have not been sleeping for quite a few day, coz scared i will oversleep for school.
and when i tried to sleep, i always get nightmare, then sleep in half-sleeping state, constantly hearing out for the alarm clock.
yea, maybe its coz i have cleared out my mind of so much that i had a really good nap.
haha yesterday (its past 12) on my home when i was about to cross the road, a bus came.
if it was me last time i would have reacted quickly and just run across like shit all the way while cheering for myself, like, whoo jia you jia you.
but then, i didnt, i paused, hesitated, donno what to do, dilly dally...
then the bus stop and let me through, although his stop was abit sudden (the bus was moving dam fast) so i quickly pass through and wave my hands to say thanks, he gave a really warm smile back.
i donno why i felt really good after that, LOL.
maybe im gay? XD haha just kidding, but yea felt good for some reason.
i think its because i got reminded of how i used to behave,
i used to be able to just talk to strangers freely on the street,
without even knowing their names.
like just sit on the mrt or bus, and turn around and check out the person next to me.
of course im choosy about who to talk to la xD, coz if its a girl, later she think i hitting on her.
anyway... few days ago, a stranger just talked to me.
and i felt myself unable to talk back... ._.
oh well, at least i realize that.
yea anyway, the busdriver just somehow changed me by telling me that life is just like that, but its how we look at things. So, i keep smiling and walk home with my 蜜汁鸡排, a cup of corn and my favourite drink, choco iceblend <333
god, i feel so good after that nap that im gonna go back and sleep again. Realize the importance of sleeping, it just makes life better.

a change

2009-05-08T02:39:00.000-07:00

aww, i have been very bad lately...
yea, felt stupid for my behaviour recently.

Was reading zhi xiang's blog ( for a good read xD) when his post struck me.
perhaps it was even targetted at me.

but nevertheless, it reminded me of what i had tried not to do few years ago ._.
never complain.
Recently, my mother also told me a story.

there is this monk, who was widely known as a man of utmost wisdom.
and then there's this scholar who was also known as a great talent.
(yea, u can see how lousy a storyteller i am)
anyway, this scholar got famous and so got a bit cocky,
so he always keep challenging the monk, trying to get on top of him.
so one day, he visited the monk and they have a meditation session.
and then after sitting for a while, the scholar felt very comfortable and ask the monk,
"hey, what do you think i look like?"
the monk look at him and replied,
"like a buddha."
the scholar, feeling pleased and full of himself then said,
"well, you know what u look like?"
"you look like a pile of dung"
And then he went home happily after that,
having a huge sense of accomplishment that he has finally won the monk.
when he got home, he then happily chatted with his sister, hoping to share the joy,
"hey, u know what happen today? i won the monk! he said i look like a buddha and i said he looks like shit!"
however his sister look back at him and said,
"you fool, you didnt even realize u have lost. The monk sees the good in every man, and you only see shit"

its all in chinese la and theres lots more stories about the two's adventure xD
anyway the last line was,
"那和尚看到的都是完美的，而你满脑子就只看到屎！"
haha, its impossible for me to type out everything in chinese.

anyway, wat did the story and zhi xiang's post taught me?
That i have been looking at everything in a bad way.
i think everything suck,
well its okay to see things that way,
but i forgot to look at the good things around me, too fixed on the bad stuffs.

and then i remembered another thing that i had said to myself when i first began year 3.
(also reminded by zhixiang's post)

I actually said this, "Oh no, everyone in my class thinks emo is cool! Its up to me to save my class XD"
haha yea, i actually said that like i was super man xD
boy, was i childish then...

thats not the point, anyway, the point is, i had hated people being emo, i have sworn never to be emo, and i have pledge to battle against it, to cheer everyone up.
That was why i was always so tired AFTER school when i got home everyday during sec 3,
That was why i was being so noisy and cheerful then.
I was trying to rub off my energy on to others,
to try and be the sunshine and drive all the darkness away,
so i have to double the energy and enthusiasm in everything (to make up for everyone else's energy lost)
And now that i recall, i always sleep at 10pm to make sure i have the energy to do so.
and i never sleep in class that year okay =.= every one seems to think i'm sleeping because of my sleepy look. please la, then who is the one who keep shouting answers during lang arts, history, chem and physics lesson? ghost ah?

yea, i know i sound so heroic and all,
but hey, i think i did do a good job,
and i did have this thought of saving the class,
like a power ranger xD
(yea i was childish then)

oh my god, how could i forget all that...
what have i been recently?
completely taken over by the enemy i sworn to fight against.
i have been trying so hard to be mature and actually ignore everything thats good around.
and guess what, i guess im not good at being mature =P

yea...
oops, nearly enter emo-state, about to say how much i have fallen to emoness, LOL
and now that i recall, this blog was set up to just talk about my day and hopefully make people laugh, to spread the happiness i have... (yea check the first few posts of this blog)

I can't believe this...
anyway, i have to seriously thank zhixiang for really smacking all that into my head whether it was intentional or not.

ohya, and his other post, i completely agree to them.
most of them were the views i have, but were unable to express them to others, but zhi xiang with his incredible language skill, nailed everything.
so yea, since i can't make others understand some of the things i want them to, i shall promote zhixiang's blog in this post, LOL, so he doing all the explanation for me xD
Some of the posts just made me understand some stuff too, like the sc's problem with the school rejecting their ideas...
yea, i used to dislike sc's, thinking they all talk no action, but its not their fault.

LOL, i can't believe i spend one post thanking zhixiang.
oh well, his post just have that much impact on me because it made me remembered how i used to act.
time to climb back up ._.
and believe in myself.

oh, yea and jun wen said, "why you blog like idolize calvin, keep thanking him de?"
lol, well, its not just him ._. still got
mr wong, yanyi, toh, acer, chingxin, sylvia, chiouyih, lau, qinyu, aixin and zhixiang.
haha, basically its people who have talk to me, supported me, tag here with supportive comments, and impacted me with their posts.

oh and another thing i came to realize after a big cry a few days ago.
a man can never live alone, and depending on others and accepting help is not considered weak,
but is considered a person who is capable of judging what's good for him and put aside his pride.

past few days, i have been rejecting everything and everyone... haha, another long story, shall post again when i have time. thanks to everybody again.

I can't let go

2009-05-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

didnt sleep today and went to school...
was terrible, had a cold, nose was running like a tap (seriously like one)
and yea, i felt so cold during champs lesson that i keep trembling duirng presentation.

i realize i deprove alot on my most confident area.
guess im still not used to presenting in my new class,
and perhaps the idea that i have disappointed my form teacher quite a few times scares me.

terrible day still,
felt like i got thrown on the floor and spit on.
felt pathetic.
i hate it, i hate my life.
i hate GP :D (one of the main reason i dont go school)

yea, then after school, went to pepper lunch with some friends, and one of them just had to remind me of some things.
Loving her from the side really hurts...
seeing that the person she is close with is a good friend of mine also hurts...
and since he is a good friend, i can't help but know how good he is compared to me...
i hate myself, can't give her the happiness she wants,
yet pain at the sight of them together...
suddenly wish i never knew her.
haih... perhaps i would have still been my jolly self if not for her...
im tired and sick of my life, but i can't end it.
i told myself to just swallow my pride, clench my teeth and just continue walking, but its really hard.
perhaps its hard for others to imagine,
like " how hard can it be to go to school?"
well, its hard for me, since i already have my goals set, and school just eats the time away.
and people who is trying to convince me and "correct" me are all people who i dont want to end up like.
i mean what would u think about a beggar telling u about how to live life =.=?
yea, unless the person who talked to me is some incredibly rich person, i really wont be convinced.
sorry, but that's just the way things are.

._.

2009-05-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

yaye, slept in the afternoon again ._.
yesterday was a terrible day.
finally went to school, and had to face the music.
it sucks.
had to rush pi after comp, but accidentally sleep.
the competition was a disaster.
my shoulder in pain.
my head feels bad due to lack of sleep.
and my room just pure sucks.
then thought about the groupings for pw.
sucks.
thought about people's impression of me.
sucks.
thought how sucky my life is.
really sucky.
realize got alot homework and tests coming up.

haih, i really hate this life.
somemore today someone acted zhuai on me,
and to save his face i purposely lower my status to reply.
F U man, if its not for the fact that you are a friend's friend, i would have heck care about your thick face and just humilate u in front of everyone.
Zzzz,
not the first time this kind of thing happen,
some people are just oo dumb,
and im too kind.
and if u think you scare me,
you're wrong.

who do you think you are talking to?
you think u big size then can zhuai ah?
please la, i go outside fight with gangsters liao,
your size is pathetic.
besides, you're weak.

grr, i hate it man, some peopl just take advantage of other people's kindness.
If u have comepletely no relation with me whatsoever,
you would have wished u were dead after what i replied.

but no, u have to be someone i have abit of connection with,
and so i have to throw my face on the floor and humor u like a kid.
WTF man?

yea whatever.
and some people are just too clever that they think they know everything,
well guess what,
I may not be good in studies or responsible for school.
But i am a much experienced and better leader than u ever were in two times your life.
I may not be responsible, but i'm definitely responsible towards my team because im the leader =.=
studies is just mine and mine alone, so it won't affect anybody but me if i were irresponsible.
oh and another thing,
since you are so perfect,
u never tasted defeat,
thats why u suck in being a leader and will only be good in your studies.
whatever, base on your prefrences and results,
i can already see u working in a high-paying job.
problem is, you're still under someone, LOSER.

whatever, i resolve to change after today,
so whatever happens today,
i will just clench my fist and walk on.
but i really can't let it slide like this,
and that's why i writing all this bull shit here.
haih...
and i still miss her.

and some of you tell me to be myself,
but i think its too late
everybody based things on first impression.
and now whatever i do, if it contradicts the impression people have of me,
they just give me this weird look or think that im just faking stuff.
don't judge people if u donno them well enough,
but most people just do that.
thats why its easier said than done to change.

i just donno why, i hate going to school so much, yet i dont want to leave.
one of the reason is because i dont want to repeat the mistake i did for my past cca, so i stuck on.
but it has to stop somewhere.
i hate school.
okay, nothing wrong with the school.
i hate my life.

Crap

2009-04-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

hi, its the middle of the night, almost 2am.
why am i still up?
studying for the maths test later, duh.

haih die le...
i have completely no freaking idea what the notes are talking about, so im not really studying maths or reading the math notes,
I M STARING AT THEM @___@

so i got a bowling competition later today,
problem is,
my hand is injured...
okay, not just my hands xD
including my right rib, right thigh, right knee and my right ankle :D
...
....
.....

T_T

haih, the new ball i got seems to be perfect, a legendary ball that stop production 2 years ago due to its crazy ability.
but i think the ball too heavy for me, ever since i use that ball,
my body has been drifting to the right, overcome by the weight of the ball...
thats what i think...
but the coach seems to think its perfect for me ._.

but hey, good news is that i acquired a secret new throw technique i made myself with that ball :D
i call it the Vaporizer xD
i spin the ball with my wrist and it travels slowly down the lane,
but when it enters the pocket, BAM, strike, no matter which direction it enters.
thats because the ball is spun soo much that the pins fly around and hit everything down xD

and i also manage to use the house ball with two fingers only quite well now xD, the secret is in the index finger xD

HAHA,
well, problem still not solved...
hand still full of blisters, rib muscle still strain, ankle still hammered in, knee still numb, thigh muscle strain....
haih...

oh, i nearly forgot,
i havent study for maths yet, haha xD

=.=

with so much going on, i guess i really have no time to even think about my other problems.
and i still donno who is (:
im not really a nice guy,
maybe just a nice friend ._.
like what yong hong put as his nick, "its not good just being the nice guy"

New post

2009-04-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

heyz,
Haha, have been feeling emo recently because i just donno where my life is headed and if my beliefs were correct.
but now, i gave up xD.
why? because since i can't remember how i think last time, might as well start anew xD

Firstly, have to thank ppl for their mental help xD
Thanks to all who told me to cheer up and give good advices on life.
Thanks to Mr wong, who talked to me and make me realize where i have gone wrong.
Thanks to calvin, who helped me collect my notes and help me catch up abit on my studies.

I realize something, why some ppl are able to express their feelings, be with the one they like.
That's because they dare to do so xD
And where does that courage comes from?
From confidence.
I may keep saying I'm very confident or that ppl think im full of confidence (with my talks on money xD)
But i did once said they were all a fake wall built around me.
Yes, in some sense, the experts say it will work.
Thats because actions and thoughts are together, for example u whistle happily when in a dark gloomy place, and suddenly it isnt that gloomy at all.
Same, by building a fake image that im confident, i act confident, and hence became confident.
This explain the difference in attitude towards my ex-classmates (4H) and my current (5I).
I force an image when i first entered 3H, did silly things, nearly got into a fight, but i hung on. And yea it did work, i was confident in front of them.
But hey, this kind of thing take alot of mental preperation, and at the beginning of this year, my head is only full of this one person, so yea, i cant do it xD
So, I cant forever use this method of gaining confidence, because it takes alot of energy.
But how do other ppl do it?
Its because they truly are confident.
Why?
the answer is simple xD
They are strong.
Haha, recently I have been reading a few mangas, and perhaps its fate, but they have alot to do with dealing life, and i see alot similarities.

So i have decided and acknowledge this,
I AM WEAK
and therefore,
I WILL become strong.

A few days after Mr wong talk to me, i started reading the book that change my life in the beginging.
When i read it again, i was shock.
The contents were totally new to me, its as if i never read them before.

Which actually supports the first point the book made xD

Its not what we don't know that stops us, its what we know.

Currently, im in slumps, and its not about wether what i want to go to school, or wether its useful or not.
The problem is currently, i suck.
And hence, i should stop blaming everything around me for my plight and should change myself.
What i know is stopping me, my beliefs were not wrong, but just incomplete.
Hence i should start changing my thoughts.

Talking about blaming, its the second point the book has made.
What we see of famous ppl is their sucess, their fruits.
But what we forgot is that the reason they bear such great fruits is because of the hardwork they put into making their roots strong.
I was too focused on the results, i want this, i want that, but i have to understand that i cant have them unless i put in hard work to plant the seeds and take care of the seedling.

Hence i have to change.
And the recent thing i did for mousthunt make me have a taste of success which was quite similar to the way i intend to make money. And the reason is because.......
I JUST DO IT xD